Bangladesh v England – live!
Live from Mirpur. Email Rob Bagchi with your thoughts.
26th over: England 124-3 (Morgan 7, Collingwood 28) Collingwood uses his feet to hit a four over deep midwicket then Morgan springs to life with his reverse sweep getting him his first four. The crowd falls silent. I’d expected a bit more noise all the time instead of sporadic hubub when things are going well.
25th over: England 115-3 (Morgan 3, Collingwood 23) Mahmadullah takes the ball and has a touch of a dressage horse to his run-up. They can’t hit him off the square so adapt by trying to glance him about. It keeps the scoreboard moving but it doesn’t look too comfortable.
24th over: England 112-3 (Morgan 2, Collingwood 21) Two off Razzak’s over as Morgan continues to look bashful and Collingwood alternates blocks with biffs that don’t quite come off. Sixteen off the powerplay.
23rd over: England 110-3 (Morgan 1, Collingwood 20) Shafiul comes back into the attack after 15 overs of spin and fires in a couple of pitched-up deliveries that Collingwood digs out on the off side. Collingwood comes on the charge to try and unsettle the bowler but again cannot pierce the off-side ring. So he goes leg-side and chips him over wide mid-on for four. When he looks as sternm as he looks today, Collingwood, facially, does resemble Alan Shearer when trying to appear sincere.
22nd over: England 106-3 (Morgan 1, Collingwood 16) I sort of meant, Gary, and put it badly, that it’s more about competence than integrity now. Razzak ties Morgan down but then again he often looks a bit lacklustre at the beginning of his innings. I don’t know if he’s a slow starter, or needs to find his range, or doesn’t like these pitches. Maiden.
21st over: England 106-3 (Morgan 1, Collingwood 16) “Talking of reviving the 80s, that LBW Cook got was like the old days on the subcontinent,” opines Gary Naylor. It was a shocker but at least we have such accomplished neutral umpires these days that we can’t become conspiracy theorists. They’re just poor, now. England were in danger of finding the run rate creeping up and up as Bangladesh exert the pressure but Collingwood breaks free by carving a loose ball through point for four.
20th over: England 100-3 (Morgan 0, Collingwood 12) Razzak is on and Bangladesh have called for their bowling powerplay. Collingwood tangles his feet for the first two balls and then comes down the pitch to belt it over midwicket for four. Razzak’s lack of flight is causing problems for Collingwood who wants to get down the pitch to him.
19th over contd: England 96-3 (Morgan , Collingwood 7) Hit on the pad after he forced a shot through the off side. It drifted in from round the wicket and appeared to straighten but the Hawk suggests it was missing leg by a (relatively) hefty margin.
Wicket! Cook lbw Naeem 64
19th over: England 91-2 (Cook 64, Collingwood 7) I’ve misrepresented Paul Frame. Sorry! “Rob I didn’t mean Pringle, I was talking about Fraser when referring to one of the best English bowlers of the last 30 years.” I loved Gus, too, Paul. Only the Dazzler has given me fonder memories and Devon Malcolm in 1994.
18th over: England 91-2 (Cook 60, Collingwood 7) Four byes from Razzak’s first ball. His hands are nowhere near low enough when he stands up to the spinners and relies on his legs to block if the ball doesn’t carry.
17th over: England 83-2 (Cook 58, Collingwood 5) “Comparisons are all good and fun, but surely Swann is better than Richard Illingworth? writes Paul Frame. “Oh, and Gus Fraser wasn’t the honest county trundler in 1992 it was Pringle. Why does nobody give one of the best English bowlers for the last 30 years the respect he deserves?” If you mean Pringle I think it’s because the memory of his first few years in the side has prejudiced the image of what a fine bowler he became under Gooch’s captaincy. Collingwood rocks on to the back foot and carves Naeem through midwicket for a well-run three after three dot balls. Collingwood’s textbook forward defensive off the last ball provokes Naeem into a fit of pique and he swings his foot and storms off to long leg. Odd.
16th over: England 79-2 (Cook 57, Collingwood 3) I forgot to mention that with his catch in the Bangladesh innings Collingwood became the first Englishman to take 100 wickets, 100 catches and score 1,000 runs in ODIs. Cap doffed. The spinners are rattling through these overs. It’s a great policy to churn through them when you’ve got the upper hand. England, looking to consolidate, could look up and see five or six overs gone in 15 minutes at this rate.
15th over: England 77-2 (Cook 56, Collingwood 1) Naeem has pegged England back in tandem with his captain. England are being lured to play big shots but are being very circumspect after the loss of those two wickets.
14th over contd: England 75-2 (Cook 554, Collingwood 0) Pietersen got a faint edge as the ball snuck between bat and pad and ballooned to slip. There’s a bit of confusion whether he was out lbw or caught. Snickometer suggests he didn’t hit it and Pietersen certainly looked hacked off.
Wicket!! Pietersen c Siddique b Shakib 1
14th over: England 74-1 (Cook 54, Pietersen 1) Tom Hopkins is taken by Tom VDG’s analogy: “But I would suggest that Gus Fraser was miles better than Sidebottom. He could take serious (ie Australian and, at the time, West Indian) wickets, which even pre-injuries I’m not sure Sidebottom could, and I don’t remember him ever looking as unthreatening as Sidebottom has against South Africa.” Gus was a mumbling, grumbling class act. If only Martin Bicknell had been more trusted, what a pair they would have made.
13th over contd: England 74-1 (Cook 54, Pietersen 1) Kieswetter came unstuck, caught in no man’s land by his happy feet and stranded by a good yard. He went for a masive slog and ended up looking flummoxed. Pietersen gets off the mark first ball.
Wicket!! Kieswetter st Mushfiqur b Naeem 19
13th over: England 70-0 (Cook 52, Kieswetter 18) I think Collingwood does have Fairbrotherish tendencies, perhaps with the potential to do even more than the Lancashire imp. Morgan, though, is our Michael Bevan in the making. If England are to get to a World Cup final for the first time in 19 years, we’ll need one.
12th over: England 70-0 (Cook 52, Kieswetter 18) Cook gets to 50 on his captaincy debut. “Surely Paul Collingwood is this England side’s Neil Fairbrother (even though he’s right handed)? Freddie is the mercurial one. And Ian Bell is Graham Hick. The resemblance really is uncanny! I predict an England loss in the 2011 World Cup final. You heard it here first.” Thanks Cory Hazlehurst for that and to Robin Hazlehurst for this: “To carry on the 90s comparison, I think that Smyth of your parish was comparing Eoin Morgan to Fairbrother recently. And how about Owais Shah as a modern day Hick, just not doing what he really ought to at the top level. And Panesar as Tufnell, can’t bat or field too well but spins it well and is seen as a bit of a comedy act.” Any relation to Ronnie?
11th over: England 65-0 (Cook 48, Kieswetter 17) Naeem hits a trickier length for Kieswetter’s favoured modus operandi. He wants to come down the wicket but Naeem is trying to get him in two minds. Cook almost gets himslef out with a slog sweep which he misses and catches the outside of his front pad – missing leg stump.
10th over: England 61-0 (Cook 47, Kieswetter 16) Shakib brings himself back on. Bob Willis says, tongue firmly in cheek, “is this Alastair Cook or Brian Lara out there”. It’s Cook, Bob. You can tell because he’s only got three scoring shots – perfectly adequate today but for the long-term? An over of “a-milking they will go”, a dash of “nicely nurdled, sir” and some ugly slog sweeps.
9th over: England 59-0 (Cook 44, Kieswetter 15) Tom van de Gucht reckosn its deja vu time all over again: “This England ODI side has a very “early 90’s” Vibe to it. KP and Kieswitter are the modern day Lamby and Smith, Cook has taken on Atherton’s FEC mantle, Prior is filling Alec Stewarts boots, being shunted up and down he order. Sidebottom is an honest medium paced county trundler in the mould of Gus Fraser. Bresnan resembles Botham from his twilight years, portly and good at slogging. And finally we have also squeezed in a good old fashioned Dermot Reeve-ish bits and piece player in the form of Wright . Perhaps that’s Flowers masterplan, a bit of retro cricket, that’s the last thing the opposition are going to expect.” Where’s your Fairbrother and Hick, though, Tom? And what about the mercurial Lewis, De Freitas and Gladstone Small?
Kieswetter again waltzes down the wicket and smashes Razzak for a straight four – he was trying the on drive but got squared up a touch.
8th over: England 54-0 (Cook 43, Kieswetter 11) Naeem, the offspinner, comes on. Cook’s cut jabbed for two and a slog-swept four starts the over. He then loses his balnace somwhat and is clipped on the pad, his head too far over, but the ball is missing leg. Two overthrows. Cook is playing it very late and looks vulnerable.
7th over: England 45-0 (Cook 34, Kieswetter 11) Spin at both ends as Abdur Razzak tries his left-arm spin. He looks a dead ringer for the captain as the bowler but has more flight. Kieswetter is a dancer when faced with spin. vgery ball he’s been down the pitch to the spinners so far. No forward presser, he, but a remarkably positive, old school technique. He looks vulnerable to a stumping but then may be gambling that Mushfiqur has got iron gloves on. Cook unveils his slog sweep for two as the cakewalk progresses then copies it for a single. There is dew out there after all, the Bangladesh fielders slipping about a couple of times.
6th over: England 41-0 (Cook 31, Kieswetter 10) Shakib is trying to unsettle the Somerset stumper with a very tight line to draw him down the pitch. He smothers the spin well and gets off strike. Cook takes a different tack, stands up tall, no foot movement and swings at it – and gets a two and a four, edged, for his troubles. Attempted a ludicrous run off the last ball but Kieswetter sent him back – the throw is wayward, though and Cook gets back. Good, loud shrieked “NOOOOOOOOO” from Kieswetter.
5th over: England 34-0 (Cook 25, Kieswetter 9) Cook clips a single square of the wicket, allowing Kieswetter a pop at Mortaza. He comes down the pitch and punches a four through the covers. More settled against seam, he takes a single with a confident push. Mortaza trhen feeds Cook’s favourite off-side shot, the open-faced Essex square drive. The choir boy bags another four with a backlift-light off drive.
4th over: England 20-0 (Cook 16, Kieswetter 4) Shakib brings himself on to give it a twirl from the fourth over. Kieswetter’s using a Puma bat, just like Pele would. Drives his first two deliveries to silly mid off, the first a bump ball that gets the crowd going. And edges the fourth ball for four, through Mushfiqur’s legs. A great chance to bag him for a duck goes missing and he looked plum lbw from the arm ball – Hawk_eye sayd it would hit the middle of leg stump. Jammy sod. Twice.
3rd over: England 16-0 (Cook 16, Kieswetter 0) Mortaza is a bit of a bustler these days, arcing the ball in from Cook’s off-stump, trying to fool him with the one that goes straight on. He hasn’t managed it just yet and Cook prods the non-swingers, two of them, to point. Cook’s inside edge is found, hinting that the gate is still wide open, but Mortaza doesn’t look fast enough to make him pay for the space betwen bat and pad. Cook cuts the last ball for two and finally we’ll see Kieswetter.
2nd over: England 14-0 (Cook 14, Kieswetter 0) Shafiul takes the new ball, and he’s immediately quicker than Mortaza. Drops his second ball short, a filthy long hop, short-arm jabbed by Cook with that ugly pull of his for four. “Five Live’s innings break featured an Alastair Cook profile,” messages Gary Naylor. “Everyone thought he was lovely and spoke of him being polite and thoughtful as a youngster. Unlike profiles of Ricky Ponting and Stephen Waugh, nobody talked about how he dealt with the bouncers and sledging of grade cricket when just into his teens. Sings well though.” Love the “Stephen” – very Australian. What does he sing? The Messiah? He works a two off his feet. This is loose stuff to start with from Bangladesh. He pinches the strike again off the last ball. Kieswetter, though, isn’t chewing his handle yet.
1st over: England 7-0 (Cook 7, Kieswetter 0) Cook takes the first ball and scampers an easy two off Mortaza. A touch of swing then encourages Cook to clip it again through midwicket for two then an identical shot gets three to finish the over)
Break: Forgot to give Swann his proper dues. He bowled well and bravely given how much power Tamim had shown when he came on to bowl. I wonder, given his obvious intelligence, whether he wouldn’t make a very good captain, particularly for the one-day side. Why do batsmen always get it and rotate their bowlers by numbers rather than give it to a bowler who understands the nuances better. Tamim demonstrated again what a fine eye he has and I was impressed by his maturity, his dreadful running apart. Lee James has a soft spot for Bangladesh, too: “I must confess a serious liking for Bangladesh, very keen to see them make it as a test-playing nation. They look further along than the Lankans after a similar time and have huge room for improvement- the one series I don’t mind England losing a few games in.
Bresnan and Sidebottom hardly inspire do they? I hope we have some fast bowlers learning their trade somewhere in the Cape to help us out.” Sidebottom is struggling, no doubt, but Bresnan did OK and used the pitch very well. Broad conjures up something routinely precisely when you’re on the brink of having a rant at him. In some ways that makes him even more infuriating. Let’s see what Kieswetter’s made of, now.
That’s the innings break. In the words of the peerless Barry Taylor: “Ta ta for a bit.”
46th over:Bangladesh 228 all out Sidebottom gets another chance, I’m not sure why when Bresnan has overs left. Wright seems to have pulled his left hamstring when diving in the field last over and keeps prodding the back of his thigh. Milky milky Sidebottom for the first two balls then he wraps the innings up WICKET! Razzak c Cook b Sidebottom 2 The ball was outside off stump and Razzak leant back and hit it like a golf shot to Cook at mid off. “Have Bangladesh been playing ODIs for 10 years or 10 minutes?” poses Gary Naylor “All sides are capable of the occasional collapse, but it happens too frequently to Bangladesh and squanders so much talent.” They’re very young, Gary, and play with a lack of expectation about them. I’d say it takes longer than 10 years to come to grips with international cricket. All the signs suggest they’re going to get there, though.
45th over:Bangladesh 226-9 (Shafiul 10, Razzak 1) There’s been some excellent groundfielding by England today. Gone are the days when the big boot would come out – Wright, Collingwood, Pietersen have been throwing themselves around with abandon. They look like a genuine 10 and jack these two but Sahfiul then belts one arrow straight for four that almost took the umpire’s head off.
44th over:Bangladesh 220-9 (Shafiul 5, Razzak 1) Bresnan, who started well and has outshone the wayward Sidebottom, comes in to bowl and gets cut for four third ball. That was a dross delivery, short, wide and eminently thrashable. He comes back well, finding his stock heavy ball outside off.
43rd over:Bangladesh 214-9 (Shafiul 0, Razzak 0) Powerplay called. “After the spelling errors (hair’s breadth, please) you’ll be calling the home team The Bangles next,” says John Satrbuck. “Cue your own puns.” Am I only dreaming? Broad follows Tamim who stepped away to leg and pins him. No run. Slower ball next and Tamim turns down the single, wanting to farm the strike. He then hooks it one-handed but the ball falls short of Morgan at mid-on. WICKET! Tamim b Broad 125 He wanted to hog the strike, turning down a couple of singles then stepped across his stumps to try and flick the ball down to fine leg and loses his middle stump. Clever line from Broad – good strategy and execution. It was a superb innings, though, paced brilliantly. Broad nearly takes Shafiul’s head off with his first ball.
42nd over:Bangladesh 214-8 (Tamim 125, Razzak 0) It seems there going to wait for Swann to finish before going for the batting powerplay. A single off the second brings Mortaza on strike and the crowd simply adores him. WICKET! Mortaza lbw Swann 4 It was certainly hitting the stumpsbut it looked to hit him outside the line. The crowd groans. Incidentally I hate that Rowntrees Randoms ad. So self-consciously quirky it makes you cringe.
41st over:Bangladesh 213-7 (Tamim 124, Mortaza 4) Luke Wright gets Cook’s nod to turn his arm over and gets a WICKET! first ball Naeem c Morgan b Wright 25 Wright tempted him with a fairly juicy lossener, perhaps slower than Naeem expected and he dug up a short-armed drive to Morgan at cover who caught it above his head comfortably. Enter Mortaza after a year’s injury hell and whips his first ball to long leg for four. Naeem’s was more of a sliced drive from the slower ball on second look. Wright bounces back with a pair of identical deliveries just outside off stump that Mortaza misses.
40th over:Bangladesh 209-6 (Tamim 124, Naeem 24) Swann comes back to try and put the cork back in the bottle and manages it successfully for the first four balls tying them up for singles. They take five off the over.
39th over:Bangladesh 204-6 (Tamim 122, Naeem 22) Cook’s shuffling his options and brings back Collingwood. And gets battered for six first ball over long on by Tamim, just as he did 30 overs ago. A two then a single. “Surely you mean a hair’s breath? In over 36″ write Geoffrey and Ulla Roberts. Sorry! Obssessed with hares in our house after the 999th reading of “Guess how much I love you?” last night. Excellent over for the Banglas. “The Tigers are hanging in there,” suggests Ian Whitchurch. “Dragged over the line by Tanim. If the rest of the side can manage 120, it’s a very defendable score.”
38th over:Bangladesh 192-6 (Tamim 113, Naeem 19) Josh Green has put on his anorak so we don’t have to: “Just a quick one, Tamim Iqbal’s current 103* out of 175 puts him in 11th place in the table of players who have contributed the highest percentage of runs in a single innings, he’s scored 58.8% of Bangladesh’s runs! Viv Richards is first with 69% of the runs in a match against England in 1984, and funnily enough David Gower is in 10th. This is the kind of statistical analysis you get on the Surrey cricket blog.” Thanks Josh. Broad comes back and hits a better length, making the bat do the work rather than the batsman’s forearm strength. Still no powerplay.
37th over:Bangladesh 188-6 (Tamim 111, Naeem 18) Tamim steers Sid’s opening delivery down to third man. Sky are keen on going to shots of Cook to see how his body language is shaping up. Pretty positive so far – not many councils with the senior pros. He looks like his own man out there so far. Uppercut for four over the keeper as Sidebottom comes round the wiucket to Naeem again. He just doesn’t seem to have the zip for this line of attack. Think Gough on this wicket. Last ball flat-batted for four by Tamim through cover. Awful over.
36th over:Bangladesh 176-6 (Tamim 104, Naeem 12) Two scrambled after yet another mix-up in calls, Iqbal getting home by a hare’s breadth. Pietersen doesn’t seem to favour a consistent line, like Sidebottom trying to experiment with every delivery. Over, round, over, round. Does it make that much of a difference with the field he’s got?
35th over:Bangladesh 171-6 (Tamim 102, Naeem 11) Khademul Islam wishes the complaining would cease: “Am reading Lawrence Booth’s Cricket, Lovely Cricket, and there’s a fair bit of moaning and whingeing about, like the Brits emailing to OBO, about the heartache of being an English cricket team fan. You guys should knock it off. Ever think of what we Bangladeshis go through, especially once the team starts to hit the self destruct
button this hard like it’s doing now?” Khademul, we’re British. We wouldn’t enjoy ourselves if we were deprived of the opportunity to whinge. It’s what we do. Ryan Sidebottom comes round the wicket, but looks nothing like as adept as Wasim. But then, who is? Comes back over to Tamim and throws in a couple of slower ones, then a wide from round to Naeem. Five off the over as the lights start to glow.
34th over:Bangladesh 166-6 (Tamim 100, Naeem 9) Pietersen, once the great white off-spinning hope circa 2003, comes on and sees his second ball dispetched over midwicket for four. Great footwork from Tamim and then he pushes a single to bring up his century.
33rd over:Bangladesh 160-6 (Tamim 95, Naeem 
Under edge off a cross-bat drive gets Naeem (from the halfway line) four of Big Bres but he can’t cream the full toss that follows it and just gets one. Tamim hooks a single to get to 95, the highest Bangladesh score against England and it has been a marvellous innings to watch – apart from his calling. Bresnan finishes off with a wide and a dot ball. His feet are taking a heavy pounding in his delivery stride on this surface.
32nd over:Bangladesh 153-6 (Tamim 93, Naeem 3) Swann continues and is rattling through the overs. They’re taking singles but not using their powerplay yet. Surely it’s time.
31st over:Bangladesh 148-6 (Tamim 91, Naeem 2) Bresnan lollops back into the attack, pitches his first two balls just back of a length – Naeem clips the second off the outside edge for a single. They’ve tied Tamim up brilliantly in the last few overs with some canny bowling and consistentloy good fielding. Andy Flower has made a huge difference in the field this past year. Lots of shots of the Bangla coach Jamie Siddons looking splendid in primrose but brooding and glowering quite threateningly.
30th over contd:Bangladesh 147-6 (Tamim 90, Naeem 1) A senseless run out – a bad call from Tamim and Pietersen walked to smack off the bails as both batsman ended up at the non striker’s end. then Mahmadullah turned his first ball which looked slower than the previous two and dollied it up to Collingwood who dived in from short mid-on.
WICKET! Mahmadullah c Collingwood b Swann 0
WICKET! Mushfiqur run out 22
29th over:Bangladesh 145-4 (Tamim 89, Mushfiqur 22) Here’s Ian with a dew update: “My man in Bangladesh is reporting no dew for the last week. Carn the Tigers.
28th over:Bangladesh 144-4 (Tamim 89, Mushfiqur 21) More Collingwood enforcement stuff after a first-ball short aberration pulled for a single. Then Mushfiqur late cuts a four, the first for an age. Too wide from Collingwood, who chastises himself by pulling his hair. It might be a result of havinng the grubby ball changed. This one doesn’t appear as soft as the one they were using to slow Bangldesh down.
27th over:Bangladesh 137-4 (Tamim 88, Mushfiqur 15) Tightish lbw shout from Swann to Tamim as he goes for a sweep but it pitched outside off. A short leg would have bagged Mushfiqur third ball as he pops up a catch from a viciously spinning Swann delivery but there’s no one there. England may well find it difficult if the Bangladesh boys can make it turn like this – as Ian Whitchurch points out: “And Shakib and Razzak can actually turn the ball – and Aftab bowls similar stuff to Collingwood.” I’m assuming there might be dew to contend with. Am I wrong?
26th over:Bangladesh 135-4 (Tamim 86, Mushfiqur 12) “What’s up with Rob, Rob? Tell us it’s nothing graver than a hangover…” asks Philip Podolsky. I think it was a scheduling issue – he thought it was starting at 3.30am and then he could do it and go off for a prior engagement which may or may not have had something to do with Wembley. But with this start I needed to be issued with my call-up papers. The A team of Bull and Hannibal Smyth will be back for the rest of the series. England have done really well since the opening onslaught. Can we praise Cook for that? Collingwood and Swann have found the perfect conditions and Cook must be tempted to bowl them through.
25th over:Bangladesh 128-4 (Tamim 84, Mushfiqur 9) Collingwood ties up Mushfiqur with his lack of pace and subtle tweaks. A couple of laps round the corner gets Bumble talking about cat and mouse. ODI chess without the yoghurt pot plots.
24th over:Bangladesh 124-4 (Tamim 83, Mushfiqur The mid-innings longueurs are here. Clever bowling and batting but not much biff, bang, pow for the non-purists. “Geoffrey swung his induckers a bit more than Colly and wore a cap,” says Gary Naylor. I remember it well – the 1979 World Cup final was a bowling spell too far but he did well inh the tournament up to that stage. “For the forthcoming World Cup on the sub-continent, England should field an attack of Dibbly, Dobbly, Colly, Timmy, and Swanny.” Who can be dibbly and dobbly, though?
23rd over:Bangladesh 119-4 (Tamim 82, Mushfiqur 5) Back to Hoppsy’s correspondent. Richard Finch hits several nails: “There is a major problem with the development of young English cricketers, but this is mainly to do with the competition against rugby and football. Every couple of years there is a (football) European or World Cup that grabs the nations attention AND attracts and inspires young people to follow the game (not to mention the excessive year round coverage). The BBC show the Six Nations every year and a World Cup is shown on terrestrial TV every four years, cricket can’t really compete with either of these – even if you include the Ashes publicity. A way to generate more interest would be to create a first class competition that lasts about five games, is held over bank holiday weekends (or long weekends) in the summer and doesn’t clash with international cricket meaning the star players are able (and obliged) to play. Making a fuss of the domestic game is the solution.” I see your point Richard but it’s about the culture of laiking out these days, too, not just media coverage and subscription apartheid. Collingwood does what Collingwood does – gives away five in a tidy over, asks some questions but gets the right answers so far.
22nd over:Bangladesh 115-4 (Tamim 79, Mushfiqur 2) Mushfiqur gets off the mark with a sweep from way outside off stump and takes the single, hitting it with the spin. Bangladesh then take a tight single – yes, no, sorry – but Mushfiqur gets there with a sprawling dive. Tamim is trying to drop anchor now after the mini collapse and England have the upper hand while he’s being subdued.
21st over:Bangladesh 112-4 (Tamim 78, Mushfiqur 0) Collingwood tosses up his second ball, varies his pace and is looking a real handful in this over. They look like the sort of induckers that used to be Geoffrey Boycott’s stock in trade. Off-cutters, floaters, slower balls – it’s Dermot Reeve light circa 1992. Maiden.
20th over:Bangladesh 112-4 (Tamim 78, Mushfiqur 0) Shakib is upping the rate with a nice sweep for two, full, of guile. WICKET!! Shakib st Prior b Swann 12 I put the hex on him there. Good line and perfect length from Swann inviting Shakib to have a dart. He tried to turn it to midwicket against the turn, it spun away from him and Prior took off the bails. Now they’re saying it was out caught and the replays show he did nick it so Prior did him twice, caught then stumped just to make sure.
19th over:Bangladesh 110-3 (Tamim 78, Shakib 10) Collingwood’s on now to make the batsmen really have to throw themselves into their shots to hit boundaries. Starts with one of his off-cutters, pushed for one. Third ball is a beauty that finds Iqbal’s edge and goes for four. The batsmen seem quite happy to keep the scoreboard ticking over until the medium pacers come back on.
18th over:Bangladesh 103-3 (Tamim 73, Shakib Here comes Graeme Swann and he floats up his first two deliveries, both of which go for singles as Bangladesh post the 100. There’s certainly turn out there, making England’s decision to go with one specialist spinner only a bit of a mystery. They just milk Swann for five cannily, pushing for the gaps and strolling singles.
17th over:Bangladesh 98-3 (Tamim 72, Shakib 5) Drinks then a problem with a sightscreen are followed by a couple of easily stolen singles off Broad’s bowling. Anyone with any knowledge of bars in Singapore to help Richard Coopey out: “Would any OBOers know where I can watch the cricket (and, for that matter, Spurs v Everton later today) in Singapore?” Shakib looks pretty ropey out there at the moment, his timing’s off and his bottom hand so dominant that he is finding it difficult to get any force into his strokes.
16th over:Bangladesh 94-3 (Tamim 69, Shakib 3) Sidebottom pins Shakib back on his crease with this line, looking for an inside edge played-on. It hasn’t been successful yet but there’s enough of a gate there to sneak through. Tamim steals an overthrow when Pietersen wastes his good work to save a four by aiming it at the stumps anyway.
15th over:Bangladesh 89-3 (Tamim 65, Shakib 2) Shakib can’t find his range in this last over of the bowling powerplay, his bottom hand overpowering the top and skewing too many shots off the true. Broad tries a slower ball, then a yorker. Pietersen throws the ball to the wicketkeeper and Tamim at the non-striker’s end looks a bit peeved as he had to swerve out of the way. Broad completes a maiden – and the longer they starve Tamim of the strike, the better England look.
14th over:Bangladesh 89-3 (Tamim 65, Shakib 2) Alex Doherty has girth on his mind: “Not being a regular cricket fan I’m very surprised at how portly some of the lads look out there. Does cricket rank alongside darts in terms of athletic prowess?” You need a big backside to be a bowler, Alex and there’s some big ones out there. But if you think this selection is plump, have you not seen Robbie Key in his pomp? Sidebottom’s back and his first three balls to the captain find a better line – perhaps with a touch of reverse. His line’s tighter and the ball has got softer, meaning the batsman needs to really belt it to pierce England’s ring of four from point to mid-off. A quick single to mid-on finishes the over.
13th over:Bangladesh 88-3 (Tamim 65, Shakib 1) Staright after the wicket, which the third umpire took an age to give despite the first replay showing it perfectly, Tamim resumes with another four. It’s been a peach of an innings, mixing power with precision, some wristy shots and Blutoesque forearm blows.
Wicket!! Aftab run out 2 Pietersen was hanging around on the edge of the circle at mid-on and quickly gathered the ball and ran Aftab out by an inch with a deft underarm throw.
12th over:Bangladesh 82-2 (Tamim 60, Aftab 2) Here’s John Starbuck: “I guess that as it’s a Sunday the IT bloke who normally switches on the OBO’s On Off display for automatic update isn’t around today. We’re back to old-fashioned F5 now, which is a swizz when one’s eating pikelets for breakfast as the butter drips over the keyboard.” Mmm, pikelets. Sorry it’s my fault but untilo 10am I sail this ship alone. I’ll get someone far brainier than me to sort it if they ever turn up. He continues: “Re the non-English players in the team: yes, it’s a disappointment when selection get to this degree but it isn’t novel. Leave aside all the 1970s-1980s South African players, the same thing happened at the turn of the last century when English and Australian players were repeatedly poached to play for the other side. Give up whining and concentrate on scouting and coaching for the next generation.”
Tamim plants his front foot and swings at Bresnan’s fourth ball and carves it for four. It’s a fairly rudimentary technique but effective as hell if there’s no swing.
11th over:Bangladesh 73-2 (Tamim 54, Aftab 1) Much better from Broad, bowling now with a scrambled seam to get a bit more unpredictability out of the pitch. Just when you think you’re going to write Broad off for the day, he does something clever like that.
WICKET! Siddique c Kieswetter b Broad 0 Bangladesh 71-2 Clipped Broad’s second ball off his toes to Kieswetter at square leg.
10th over:Bangladesh 68-1 (Tamim 50, Siddique) It was actually a very good slower ball from Bresnan that earned the wicket nand took the leading edge. Tamim brings up his 50 off 32 balls with a very low cut-steer to third man. Kahdemul Islam says he has to wonder why “English players so snooty? They famously look right through the Bangladesh players off the field, and when on the field – outside Bangladesh – give the impression that it’s a chore playing Bangladesh,but whddyado with such a suckhole also having become a Test playing country…” Do you think it’s arrogance that’s making them bowl generally such a dire length?
Wicket!! Kayes c Wright b Bresnan 15 Spoons up a catch to midwicket where Wright makes decent ground to pouch it.
9th over:Bangladesh 63-0 (Tamim 45, Kayes 15) Tom van de Gucht is worried by Sidebottom’s travails: “Does anyone else have the niggling worry that Sidebottom is no longer up to it? In my mind he seems to resemble more and more Boxer the old work horse from Animal Farm towards the end of the story when he was no longer fit for purpose but kept on chugging along with ever diminishing results. Perhaps it’s Cook’s opportunity to stage a Napoleon style coup and take him off to the glue factory.” He’s certainly lost his nip, ever since he was forced to labour through the 2008 season with that dodgy hip. Sad scenes. Tamim larrups another short ball from Broad for four to wide mid-on. Poor thinking from Broad. PITCH IT UP. He then steers the next one to fine leg for four. Where’s Napoleon Cook and his captain’s advice now? Aggh! Wide. Finishes off with an agricultural six over mid-on. He did pitch it up this time but this is shoddy stuff.
8th over:Bangladesh 47-0 (Tamim 31, Kayes 14) A wide from Bresnan after all the praise and a harsh one at that. A cross-bat hoik from Tamim gets four through midwicket and he then takes on Collingwood’s arm and gets home for a well-run single. Kayes then punches a cut for four. This is a brilliant start from Bangladesh.
7th over: Bangladesh 36-0 (Tamim 26, Kayes 9) Broad, with his new crop, replaces Sidebottom. Gary Naylor thinks Bresnan is progressing well as a blossoming ODI talent: “I’m very impressed with Bresnan’s development as a one-day bowler, but this immaculate line and length at a pace well below full throttle won’t help him into the Test XI. His discipline is useful in all forms of the game though.” Unimprovably put, Gary. Broad drops his second ball short and Tamim top-edges a hook over the keeper’s head for four. This is already Bangla’s best first wicket partnership against England. Broad decides to take a leaf out of Bresnan’s book and hits the right length, just short of full. Better – the last three balls are dots.
6th over: Bangladesh 31-0 (Tamim 21, Kayes 9) Bresnan is the pick do far. Speaking of euphemisms for six, I think the worst is “Maximum!” which is quite commonplace these days. Ian Healy, I’ve noticed, has picked up on Billy Bowden’s daft signals and says “Billy’s putting the horns up”. Bowden’s got the horn, what an unpleasant image. Good save on the boundary from Sidebottom but the batsman gets two. Bresnan recovers by giving Kayes a smell of the leather.
5th over: Bangladesh 27 (Tamim 20, Kayes 5) Sidebottom varies his length and drops one short and Tamim shovels it around the corner as it stayed too low then drives with theatrical flourish straight to Broad at mid-on. Sidebottom gets one above wasit-height but Tamim lets it go through to Prior then creams the next one through the covers for four. Then finds his range and whacks the last ball for six over mid-on. “Sixer,” as Mark Nicholas would say. Bobby Willis opts for “wowee”.
4th over: Bangladesh 16-0 (Tamim 10, Kayes 5) Bresnan is pretty much on the mark – the slips have gone and he hits a perfect length on this pitch. Morning to Niall Taylor and Liam Doyle who wonders why Gary Naylor has forgotten his usual anti-Wenger rant in his email. I’m staying out of this one.
3rd over: Bangladesh 15-0 (Tamim 9, Kayes 4) An email arrives from David Hopps, our man in Mirpur. He’s received one of those emails that merits quoting: “I’m sick and tired of what Test cricket has become. I’m also flabbergasted at the glib, cheap, disposable way in which each of you has elected to defend what is becoming of English cricket. First David Hopps on 22nd February: ‘But if young cricketers born and raised in England are repeatedly shown not to be up to it, to criticise Kieswetter for achieving higher standards seems to be conducting the wrong sort of investigation.’ Then on 26th it’s over to Mike Selvey: ‘Meanwhile worrying about qualifications though is merely to treat a symptom. The disease itself needs addressing.’
Oh joy. Surely, if you examine your arguments beyond the imperative of the coming deadline you can see how blithe, how limp and how submissive these positions are?”
There’s more: “I am so often accused of being a lousy patriot that it often staggers me how few people give a flying stuff about this issue when I find myself despairing of it, but surely to goodness you can each see that a crap England side is infinitely better, more real, appropriate and reflective than an England (& Wales) that is not, in any real sense, England?
Fine, take pot shots at the system that produces Bells rather than Pietersens, or Boparas rather than Trotts, but please do not offer deadline stressing perspectives that denigrate those who would rightly question the legitimacy of these transfer players and make it all about development when in fact it is about a system that is rolling over and dying in the face of something noone has the verve, gumption or determination to resist.
So England are a better side with Pietersen, Trott and this latest import – so bloody what. They’d also be better with Ponting and Tendulkar and England would win more matches but then, that would be ridiculous wouldn’t it?
The point is, where is the pride in an England victory, where is the concern about all those apparently inferior England players who don’t now get to play for their (really, it is ‘their’) country, the satisfaction on producing a decent player internally… There is no pride in watching Kieswetter, Pietersen or Trott score runs for their pretend country – none at all, mere satisfaction for some that ‘England’ are doing well, without any sort of reflection on quite what ‘England’ has become.”
Well, let’s come back to that at our leisure. Tamim is dropped at cover by Eoin Morgan – it looked a pretty straightforward chance and Sidebottom, never the most forgiving of bowlers, kicks the turf.
2nd over: Bangladesh 10-0 (Tamim 5, Kayes 4) And it’s an all Yorkshire-born opening attack as Bresnan takes the other end. It’s his 25th birthday today but he hasn’t found any swing to go with his cake as yet. No lift either as the ball dobs through at toe-height to Prior. Bresnan is pretty much on the mark, fixing his line on off and middle but when he tries a short one Kayes top edges a pull that goes over Prior’s head for four.
1st over: Bangladesh 5-0 (Tamim 5, Kayes 0) Ryan Sidebottom gets us off and he’s on the mark with his first delivery but the second is too wide and Tami slashes it hard for four over the head of where fourth slip might be. The wicket looks flat, low and slow. Tamim pushes a single to midwicket to bring the other left-hander to face and Sidebottom stands Kayes up with the last ball off the over.
The wicket is looking verdant but we’re told it’s going to be hard and should suit England’s seamers. Morning to Gary Naylor: “I was impressed with young Kieswetter in his interview,” he writes. “If he qualifies, he should be picked on merit. That England do not produce enough home-grown players is a different matter.” Can’t quibble with that Gary but I think he might as well have the gloves as well if they’re going to use him. Bumble has just been interviewed sitting in an auto-rickshaw, proclaiming, “Start the rickshaw” as he sets off on his quest to head for the Himalayas.
Good morning I’m afraid Rob Smyth won’t be with you this morning. After a late call-up I’m having to fill those big shoes and despite being soaked to the skin on the way in I’m looking forward to this Mirpur ODI and seeing how Alastair Cook copes with his elevation. I’m just off to try and get dry with paper towels and attempt to jam my head into one of those Dyson driers. I’ll be back for the first over.
England have won the toss and put Bangladesh in.
Teams:
Bangladesh: Tamim Iqbal, Imrul Kayes, Junaid Siddique, Aftab Ahmed, Shakib Al Hasan (Capt), Mushfiqur Rahim (Wkt), Mohammad Mahmudullah, Naeem Islam, Mashrafe Mortaza, Abdur Razzak, Shafiul Islam.
England: A N Cook (Capt), C Kieswetter, K P Pietersen, P D Collingwood, E J G Morgan, L J Wright, M J Prior (Wkt), T T Bresnan, S C J Broad, G P Swann, R J Sidebottom.
Umpires: Nadir Shah and R J Tucker
Rob Smyth will be here from 0745. Ish.
Meantime Mike Selvey ponders the significance of the rumoured selection of South African born Craig Kieswetter:
The figures are unarguable. When England play their opening one-day international against Bangladesh, it will be Craig Kieswetter – of Somerset but born, raised and cricket-nurtured in South Africa – who will open the batting and not Kent’s Joe Denly.
So much is right and proper. Denly’s scores, since he was elevated to the England one-day ranks, have done little to enhance his case for continuing inclusion: 67 against Ireland first up but then 0, 11, 45, 25, 53, 5, 21, 5, 36, 0, 14, 1 and 5. Already his time was running out. Kieswetter, of course, has no international scores but his success with the England Lions, playing alongside Denly, has been notable not just for the runs scored and the rate at which they came – 31 from 24 balls, 77 (52), 40 not out (42), 50 not out (32) and 81 (66) – but also for the increased confidence shown by the sequence. It was no surprise when, hastily added to the full squad for Bangladesh, he marked the first of the warm-up matches by scoring 143 from 123 balls.
Equally unarguable, unpalatable though the situation may be to many, is his credential to represent England…
Read the rest of the article here.
Tottenham v Everton – live!
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42mins: Which they very nearly do. Bale crosses low from the left and a lunging Defoe is inches away from turning it in at the near post.
40mins: Everton’s first and best chance, Neville crossing from the right and Rodwell sending a free header wide from eight yards or so. I still think they’ve got hope here, though obviously they can’t concede another.
37mins: “Can I just say how disappointing it is, from an Arsenal fan’s perspective, that Good Ol’ Harry has finally realised how good Pavlyuchenko is,” writes Chris Sturrock. “His previous neglect of the Russian had been a real source of amusement and reassurance to me. I just hope he has a customary change of heart about him before the derby game at White Hart Lane.”
35mins: It says something of Tottenham’s current inflated levels of confidence that Bassong just intercepted the ball on the edge of his own area, layed it off to a teammate, thundered 80 yards up the pitch, dummied the return ball and sprinted into the penalty area all set to collect his goal of the season award when he met Bale’s cross with a stunning header into the top corner. Bale’s cross, however, went straight into Phil Neville’s midriff.
33mins: Suddenly Everton are looking very much like they did on Thursday, letting their opponents pass freely in front of their defence and hoping for the best.
GOAL! Very good goal indeed! Croatia 2, Everton 0 (Modric 28) Corluka, Kranjcar and Modric play keep-ball down the right, totally befuddling the Everton defence and finding more and more space in increasingly dangerous areas with every tippy-tappy pass until Modric shoots over Howard and into the net very stylishly from 15 yards or so, possibly with the aid of a deflection. No non-Croatian foot touched the ball for about two minutes.
26mins: Pienaar crosses from the left, Gomes comes to claim, gets half a hand on it, spills it and wins a ludicrous free-kick even though Yakubu didn’t touch him at all. There’s hope here for Everton.
25mins: Quite an even game now. Everton have just had a couple of corners without creating a chance, then Bale bursts down the left, crosses well and Kranjcar heads at goal. Not very well, but it’s a chance.
21mins: Palacios passes to Pavlyuchenko, who cuts in from the left wing and lashes a shot from 20-odd yards that starts heading to the near post and then veers at the last moment towards the centre of goal. Howard pushes it away.
20mins: Bale does terrifically well to get back at Anichebe and win the ball, but the Everton striker, making his first start for aeons after a nasty injury, takes a worrying amount of time to get up. Seems OK, though…
19mins: It’s been emphatically different since the goal, with Everton having at least as much of the play as Tottenham. “They’re asking a few questions,” agrees Chris Waddle.
17mins: Everton win a corner, Heurelho Gomes comes to claim it. He jumps alone, gets both gloves on the ball, then drops it at an astonished Yakubu’s feet. The ball is eventually hacked clear, but that was abysmal goalkeeping.
16mins: Chris Waddle is letting rip at the Everton midfield, who have “done nothing” and are “all showing to feet” when what they require is “legs”.
14mins: Gina G is Australian, as Gary Naylor so correctly points out. I have changed the offending paragraph so it looks like I didn’t make the mistake in the first place [bursts into evil cackle].
GOAL! Tottenham 1 Everton 0 (Pavlyuchenko, 11) Spurs get their reward for all the early possession. They don’t have to work very hard for it, though – a longish ball to Defoe, who’s given way too much time to turn and run into the right side of Everton’s penalty area. His shot is low and hard and woefully off target, so much so that his strike partner is able to turn it in.
10mins: Tottenham haven’t quite had 100% of possession so far, but it’s close.
9mins: Phil Neville has been booked for a rather amateurish tackle on Gareth Bale out near the left corner flag.
7mins: It’s actually a perfect pitch, the ball’s zipping about like Zippy at the zip-lovers’ annual zip convention. Long, fast, true passes along the ground are the theme so far. I’m feeling optimistic about this one.
4mins: Anichebe gives the ball to Defoe, he feeds Pavlyuchenko – decent link-up between the Spurs strikers, but Phil Neville steals the ball before the Russian can shoot.
3mins: The character getting the early praise is Tottenham’s groundsman, Darren Baldwin. The pitch is looking pretty sharp given how close this match apparently was to being rained off.
1min: They’re off!
12.58pm: The players are on the pitch, we’re just a few moments (and adverts) from kick-off)…
12.48pm: This is the time when I would be bringing you the most exciting nuggets of pre-match blather from the ESPN team. I’m waiting.
12.27pm: And we’ve already got some teams! And they’re quite interesting – Defoe: in! Pavluchenko: in! Saha: out! Bilyaletdinov: on the bench!
Tottenham: Gomes, Corluka, Bassong, Dawson, Bale, Kranjcar, Huddlestone, Palacios, Modric, Pavlyuchenko, Defoe. Subs: Alnwick, Kaboul, Crouch, Gudjohnsen, Kyle Walker, Dervite,
Assou-Ekotto.
Everton: Howard, Neville, Heitinga, Distin, Baines, Anichebe, Arteta, Pienaar, Osman, Rodwell, Yakubu. Subs: Nash, Yobo, Jagielka, Bilyaletdinov, Donovan, Vaughan, Gosling.
Referee: Steve Bennett.
12.23pm: Everton are England’s form side at the moment, but then as anyone who had the extremely depressing misfortune of seeing their Europa League performance in Lisbon on Thursday will know, they have the potential to be utterly rubbish. Perhaps they are, at present, the footballing equivalent of Gina G, who hit the high notes in Blighty but was distinctly second best when called upon to represent our nation in Europe (if your stomach is strong enough you can watch her 1996 Eurovision performance, introduced by Virginia Bottomley, for chrissakes, here). One defeat in 12 is their current league run, though eagle-eyed stat-hawks will notice that they have won just one of their last seven away.
Spurs, who closed their training ground last week after an outbreak of something totally hideous, are still grumbling about their game at Goodison in December, where they fluffed a two-goal lead and a stoppage-time penalty to draw 2-2. They list Jermain Defoe as a doubt today, and give Peter Crouch a late fitness test, leaving the way clear for Roman Pavlyuchenko to continue his recent goalscoring run.
You can still read some pre-match stuff here, if you like
If you’re looking for team news ahead of today’s game, you can check out our squad sheets right here. Whichever team Tottenham sends out, though, you have to wonder how much their routine has been disrupted after the club decided to close their training ground on Friday in a bid to contain a virus affecting players and staff.
James Callow reports: Harry Redknapp is hoping the virus sweeping through the club will not derail Tottenham Hotspur’s Champions League hopes as it did four years ago.
After several first-team players fell ill this week it was decided to close the indoor facilities at the Spurs Lodge training ground in Chigwell, Essex, for sterilisation. Redknapp instead held his pre-match media briefing at White Hart Lane ahead of Sunday’s home match with Everton.
Vedran Corluka and Wilson Palacios were the worst affected but could recover in time for what could be a key match in Spurs’ campaign to finish in the top four.
Read the rest of the article here
Tottenham Hotspur v Everton – live!
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12.23pm: Everton are England’s form side at the moment, but then as anyone who had the extremely depressing misfortune of seeing their Europa League performance in Lisbon on Thursday will know, they have the potential to be utterly rubbish. Perhaps they are, at present, the footballing equivalent of Gina G, who hit the high notes in Blighty but was distinctly second best when called upon to represent her nation in Europe (if your stomach is strong enough you can watch her 1996 Eurovision performance, introduced by Virginia Bottomley, for chrissakes, here). One defeat in 12 is their current league run, though eagle-eyed stat-hawks will notice that they have won just one of their last seven away.
Spurs are still grumbling about their game at Goodison in December, where they fluffed a two-goal lead and a stoppage-time penalty to draw 2-2. They list Jermain Defoe as a doubt today, and give Peter Crouch a late fitness test, leaving the way clear for Roman Pavlyuchenko to continue his recent goalscoring run.
Kick-off is at 1pm but Simon will be here from 12.30pm to let you whether Tottenham can successfully reclaim fourth place from Manchester City.
If you’re looking for team news ahead of today’s game, you can check out our squad sheets right here. Whichever team Tottenham sends out, though, you have to wonder how much their routine has been disrupted after the club decided to close their training ground on Friday in a bid to contain a virus affecting players and staff.
James Callow reports: Harry Redknapp is hoping the virus sweeping through the club will not derail Tottenham Hotspur’s Champions League hopes as it did four years ago.
After several first-team players fell ill this week it was decided to close the indoor facilities at the Spurs Lodge training ground in Chigwell, Essex, for sterilisation. Redknapp instead held his pre-match media briefing at White Hart Lane ahead of Sunday’s home match with Everton.
Vedran Corluka and Wilson Palacios were the worst affected but could recover in time for what could be a key match in Spurs’ campaign to finish in the top four.
Read the rest of the article here
Stoke City 1-3 Arsenal
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Full time: Stoke 1-3 Arsenal Arsenal get into a post-match huddle, and their body language is that of a team that has turned a corner. A late goal on the day of the Eduardo injury ruined their 2007-08 title challenge; a late goal on the day of Aaron Ramsey’s equally awful injury has ignited their 2009-10 title challenge. The sense of unity was palpable in those last 10 minutes. Yet all that really matters is the awful leg-break suffered by Aaron Ramsay. Thanks for your emails; night.
90+6 min Fabregas needlessly sssshs the Stoke bench.
GOAL! Stoke 1-3 Arsenal (Vermaelen 90+4) Arsenal score again, this time from a short corner. Sorensen plunges to his right to make a fine save from Rosicky’s low 25-yard drive, but Fabregas follows up to square the ball for Vermaelen to tap in. Brilliant stuff from Fabregas, who was so alert to the possible rebound. Arsenal celebrate wildly, and they will feel that – the Ramsey tragedy aside – they have taken a really important stride towards the title today.
90+3 min That looked like a better shout for a penalty: Collins just shoved Bendtner over, six yards out. That was a clear penalty in fact, but Peter Walton said no.
90+2 min There will be seven minutes of added time, but Stoke don’t have a chance here. Arsenal are just playing keepball.
GOAL! Stoke 1-2 Arsenal (Fabregas 90 pen) Fabregas scores, but only just. Sorensen, who saved a penalty from Fabregas in the return fixture, dived to his left and got a hand on it, but it was sidefooted close to the corner with good power by Fabregas and just sneaked in.
90 min: ARSENAL GET A PENALTY Bendtner tried to flick a return pass to Song, but it hit the outstretched arm of Pugh. In Pugh’s defence he was trying to pull his arm out of the way, and he was only a few yards away from Bendtner. You could call that either way really: on the one hand it wasn’t deliberate, but you could say he was reckless in having his arms outstretched.
89 min It is all Arsenal. Bendtner’s shot is blocked desperately by Huth, and then Lawrence just prevents a corner.
87 min Eduardo misses a great chance. With bodies packed on the edge of the area, Alex Song scooped a beautiful ball in behind the defence for Eduardo; he chested it down neatly but then, from only six yards, lashed the bouncing ball just wide of the near post. What a chance that was.
85 min Fabregas’s very dangerous, gently inswinging free-kick clears everyone and drifts just wide of the far post. It was a real opportunity for Sol Campbell in particular, but he stopped his run for no particular reason.
84 min Eduardo comes on for Nasri, so Arsenal will play 4-4-2 with Walcott – who came on a few minutes ago for Eboue; I missed that – and Rosicky wide of Fabregas and Song. Eduardo and Bendtner are up front.
83 min “Listening in on the radio, and the commentators seemed certain that was a red the moment they announced the challenge,” says Scott W. “(Of course, I have no idea how soon after the tackle they announced it.) Apparently, Pat Rice has complained about the delay getting a stretcher on the pitch; and the police are gathering on the touchline – Craig Burley has suggested they might be there to arrest Shawcross for assault. I don’t think he’s joking.”
82 min Rosicky drags a shot wide. Eduardo is about to come on. I wonder what he’s thinking. “This is what happens when the media and everyone else say, ‘O it’s cute to kick pretty Arsenal around,’” says Xerxes Wilson. “It’s in everyone’s head to just keep fouling the little Arsenal kids.” I take your point but I think that, in this instance, that is a desperately unfair thing to say.
80 min “Watching the live feed again, it looks like Shawcross went to reach and kick the ball but Ramsey just touched it away right before and Shawcross simply ended up kicking Ramsey’s leg,” says Jonathan Francis. “No intent and I don’t think anything more than a normal foul. The severity of the injury absolutely was the reason for the red. The result looked awful, but after all the emotion settles, the red should be rescinded. It won’t but it should.”
Gary Naylor makes a similar point: “I have played back the Shawcross foul and it appears that Shawcross made to kick the ball and, running quite quickly, kicked Ramsey’s leg very hard. There was a big impact and, from the reaction, probably a bad-looking break. From the one angle I have seen, Shawcross did not go over the ball, had no braced leg nor studs showing and probably has made a similar challenge hundreds of times. I wish Ramsey well, but let’s not be too hasty in any condemning of Shawcross until we get a
chance to analyse what happened in a flash.”
If it wasn’t a two-footed challenge or anything of that nature – and it seems it clearly wasn’t – it has really worrying implications for football in the medium-term given that the game is getting faster and faster.
79 min Arsenal are having loads of the ball but there is an absent-minded feel to their work, as you would expect. What a horrible business. For Stoke, Tuncay replaces Ricardo Fuller.
78 min “I just re-watched the tackle, and it looks more like they ran into each other at great speed,” says Ben. “Certainly Shawcross’s leg collided with Ramsay’s leg in quite a violent fashion, but it looked accidental. I don’t really plan on watching it again so as to be able to describe it more accurately.”
77 min Whitehead whips a dangerous ball across the face of Arsenal’s six-yard box, with no striker there to take advantage. Moments later he is replaced by Dean Whitehead.
75 min “I saw the broken leg on a P2P stream,” says Arvind Rahman. “Part of his right leg appeared to be hanging. Looks like a clean break of the tibia and the fibula. He will be out for at least a year.” You would not wish this on anyone, of course, but it feels particularly cruel that it has happened to one of the smartest and classiest young players Britain has produced for decades.
74 min “Smyth,” says Iain J Christ. “Seeing ANDERSON Luis de Abreu Oliveira on that list, alongside such greats as Cesc, Landon and Nii Lamptey gives me strange feelings that maybe, just maybe, everything is going to turn out alright once he’s had a summer getting bored of top of the range hats and radical cars. Not least because I’ve been telling everyone who’ll listen for the last two years that his unique blend of stylin’ gear, huskiness, speed and brain-boiling backspin through balls is going to be at the very least good and not a Florent Sinama Pongolle.”
I loved Anderson in his first season, and there are issues over him being misused tactically, but I think that, like Walcott, his great future is behind him. And imagine how big Anderson’s backside will be after six months without training.
73 min There is an inevitably eerie feel to the game. Stoke have moved Pugh to left back and Collins to centre-back in a 4-3-2 formation. Bendtner, played through on goal by Rosicky, is fractionally offside.
72 min As I said, I haven’t seen the tackle – but, at first, Alan Smith at Sky said at first that he wasn’t sure it was a red-card offence and that the severity of the injury might have influenced the referee. I haven’t a clue. Did anyone see it?
71 min The game resumes but, as we saw with that Eduardo game at Birmingham a couple of years back, it’s not easy just to resume normal service. Rosicky has replaced Nasri.
70 min Ramsey is being very carefully moved onto a stretcher and is now being helped off to sympathetic applause from both sets of fans, straight into an ambulance by the side of the pitch. We can only wish this brilliantly talented young footballer well.
69 min Even now, three minutes on, Vermaelen has his hands to his mouth, blowing hard into them as he tries to make sense of it all. I still haven’t seen the replay; I didn’t even see the original tackle as I was looking at emails. The Sky commentator Ian Darke has just said that the pictures are “upsetting and sickening” and that’s why there is no replay.
66 min: SHAWCROSS SENT OFF AND RAMSEY SUFFERS HORRIFIC INJURY Oh this is horrible. Shades of Eduardo’s injury. A number of players from both sides have their hands on their heads in horror. I genuinely can’t look because it’s so horrible. Shawcross is walking off in tears. Even now, Vermaelen is on his knees, hands on his head. This is horrible. They are not showing the replay and that must mean it is really, really bad.
65 min Vermaelen heads Fabregas’s floated free-kick miles wide from 15 yards. It was no sort of chance. A few seconds later, after a long kick from Sorensen, Fuller’s left-footed snapshot from the left corner of the box is easily saved by Almunia.
64 min “How’s Ryan Shawcross getting on?” asks Scott W. “England form? Or a Paul Doyle-usion? Personally, I reckon England’s back four could be P. Neville, Konchesky, Lescott, Upson and we’d still get knocked out in the same round.” Shawcross is excellent but not England class in my humble one; not yet anyway. Lord knows who plays if and when Ferdinand’s body collapses on the morning of a match in South Africa. I’d bring Ledley King.
63 min Talking of lost talents, this page is interesting if you are a truly diabolical nerd like me. I wonder what Fode Camara is doing right now. And what happened to that Cesc kid?
62 min Song is booked for obstructing Delap on the halfway line. I’m not even sure it was a foul, but the yellow card is Song’s 10th of the season, and that means he’ll miss the next two league games.
61 min A Stoke substitution: Danny Collins on, Abdoulaye Faye off. Collins goes to left-back and Robert Huth to centre-back. No injury, just a tactical change.
60 min A very good save from Sorensen. Eboue miscontrolled the ball into space, ran onto it and then howitzed one towards goal from 25 yards with his right foot. It was pretty central but swerving away from Sorensen at serious speed, and he did very well to dive to his left and push it over the bar with both hands.
59 min Almunia makes a pitiful Horlicks of Delap’s first long throw of the second half, and Peter Walton feels so sorry for him that he gives a free-kick. That’s a truly pathetic decision from the referee, although I should stress that it didn’t matter because a defender had punted the ball clear after Almunia made a mess of his punch.
58 min Fabregas is, as Alan Smith on Sky points out, running this now. Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas. Imagine.
57 min Stoke, of course, went to extra time on Wednesday. They are start to chase a few shadows, although the strength of their spirit is such that they can probably overcome any fatigue.
55 min Arsenal have had 65 per cent of the possession this half, which feels about right given the way the game has gone. So far it has followed a very similar pattern to the FA Cup tie between these two last month. Stoke won that, but Arsenal have their best team out now and this match, for Stoke, will take a deal of winning, or even drawing.
54 min “Big Oggy’s face does play by the rules – Picasso’s rules,” says Gary Naylor, who actually is an oil painting.
53 min Three corners inside a minute for Stoke, but Arsenal defend them fairly comfortably.
51 min “Re: footballers who burn out early,” says Colin McCracken. “Are there any sadder or more morbidly fascinating examples than Nii Lamptey?” Probably not. This piece is heartbreaking.
50 min A few seconds aftger that penalty appeal, Clichy’s right-footed shot from range is well struck but straight at Sorensen.
49 min Arsenal have a big shout for a penalty when Ramsey, under pressure from Faye, goes down in the box. “Certainly a barge in the back” says Alan Smith, but then he does sleep under an Arsenal duvet. It was, at best, clumsy from Faye. Having seen it again I reckon that was a penalty; he kneed Ramsey up the arse, basically.
48 min A bitty start to the half. “I was born at the same time and hospital as Steve Ogrizovic’s baby,” says Ben Bennett. “He had a girl i think, which considering he had a face that played by its own rules is a terrifying thought.”
What a fantastic line that is: a face that plays by its own rules. I’ll be nicking that line and no mistake!
47 min Arsenal 4-2-1-3? Nah. Song definitely plays deeper than Ramsey. Being a tactics tragic, I’m going to do a blog on this next week, discussing how we should denote formation now that the pitch has nine or ten lines rather than just defence/midfield/attack.
46 min Arsenal kick off from left to right. At the risk of sounding like an oily salesman with an Avon catalogue, I reckon the next 45 minutes will decide the title race.
Half-time emails
“Is over achieving with limited resources (like McLeish and Pulis) a different skill from translating extensive resources into consistent excellence? It seems chief executives think so. Would a big four club genuinely consider appointing someone who has only manged smaller clubs, whatever their success or talent?” – Ben Shepherd.
“I’ll save Naylor the trouble, see your Pulis (40mins) and raise you David Moyes. Sure, Everton have more resources that Stoke (though probably not much) but what that guy has done this season and last is extraordinary in the face of an injury epidemic that has Liverpool ambulance drivers confusing Goodison for the local A&E department. And at times they’ve played some superb, attractive stuff too. While i’ve nothing against Stoke’s standard tactics (though agreeing that the directness is over-exaggerated), that’s got to count for something” – David Wall.
“John Lukic, with his basin haircut. A wonderful keeper of a generation when the English second strings seemed to be genius. Corrigan, Spink, Ogrizovic, Parkes, and more recently Martyn (who was truly great), Flowers and Coton. I was never a fan of Chris Woods for some reason. Mind you, I would love to see an English keeper of those standards available today” – Ben Dunn.
“Billy Kenny sadly failed to deal with his demons, but he was potential unfulfilled. Paul Lake was potential right on the cusp of fulfilment and then he was gone. Gary Shaw was potential fulfilled at club level and could have had the international career that Gary Lineker enjoyed, but he was gone almost as soon as he arrived as an international” – Gary Naylor.
“Here in the US, a grown man pretending he’s hard is called an Extenze commercial” – Mac Millings.
“Where’s Jonathan Wilson? Personally,I reckon Arsenal are playing a 4-2-Fabregas-3, if not a 4-2-4, with Fabregas as a ponta da lança” – Aidan Gibson.
Half time: Stoke 1-1 Arsenal See you in 10 minutes.
45 min Stoke scored too early. It meant that Arsenal had plenty of time to feel their way into the game with Stoke sitting off to defend their lead, and now Arsenal are well on top, albeit without giving Sorensen too much to do.
41 min Fabregas wins the ball but takes Shawcross down from behind in so doing, which prompts a few grown men to glare at each other and pretend they’re hard. You’re no Dave Mackay, lads.
40 min “Whose coaching achievement is the greater?” says Gary Naylor. “Wenger repeatedly qualifying for the Champions League (but winning nothing) or Tony Pulis establishing Stoke as mid-table Premier League scrapper (but not really threatening to win anything)? I give it to the man in the baseball hat – and he might just pinch the FA Cup.” I would love it if Stoke won the FA Cup, mainly to see the look on Jacob Steinberg’s face. Pulis has surely been better than any every other manager in the Premier League these last 18 months, not just Wenger.
39 min Arsenal win a free-kick 25 yards out, perfectly central. But the joy of Cesc isn’t in evidence this time: he slaps it into the wall.
38 min “Damaging moment for Wenger who will now be forced to admit that headed goals do count,” says Ben Shepherd.
37 min Stoke are looking a little jittery all of a sudden and Arsenal are looking sharper, if still well short of their best.
35 min “Being far more morbid than you, Rob, I am fascinated by young players whose careers are ruined by injury before they have confirmed their wonderkid credentials,” says Ian Copestake. “Wayne Harrison was a major player in those stakes.” Wasn’t he just. The saddest lost talent I’ve read about is Billy Kenny.
GOAL! Stoke 1-1 Arsenal (Bendtner 32) This is a brilliant header. Fabregas had too much room on the right to receive a short throw, take a touch and swing an accurate, dipping cross to the far post. It found Bendtner, who was leaping almost backwards away from Wilkinson and strained his neck muscles like the Incredible Hulk going off on one to loop a high-class header back across Sorensen and into the far corner from 10 yards. That is such a good goal.
31 min An extended spell of Arsenal possession, most of which is accompanied by loud boos. They are slowly, almost imperceptibly taking control of this game.
28 min “I bet Arsene moonwalked into training once the financial results were announced,” says Ian Copestake. “Surely he is in the wrong job as he is more a saver than a winner.” Like Nick Berry sang, Every loser wins, once the publication of the financial results begins…
That said, if Arsenal win today I think they will win the league. Yeah, yeah, and if my uncle liked Murder, She Wrote we’d get on ten times better.
27 min Fabregas’s corner from the left beats the flapping Sorensen and very nearly sneaks inside the far post.
26 min A decent effort from Fabregas, who runs on to a headed clearance, chests it up in the air and then hits a bouncing volley towards the near post from 25 yards. It was going wide but Sorensen made sure anyway, conceding the corner.
24 min Delap’s on the left this time, 40 yards out. Another flat, hard throw is headed away to Whitehead, 25 yards out. His shot is going miles wide but finds its way to Shawcross, in miles of space and onside. He miscontrols it. Had he killed that, he would have had loads of time to line up a shot because all bar one defender had pushed up for offside.
23 min An angled Delap throw goes right through everyone in the box and runs away for a goal-kick. Arsenal haven’t got a clue how to defend those throw-ins.
22 min “Why does Wenger even bother putting up a team against Stoke,” asks Arijit Sarkar. “The result was obvious even before kickoff. I wonder what odds were there on the first goal coming from a Delap throw-in!”
21 min Fuller is taken from behind by the increasingly exasperated Vermaelen, a brainless challenge and a clear foul. It’s getting a wee bit feisty.
20 min It’s Delap-time. This one is from deeper, and more of a looping throw, which comes to nothing.
19 min “Mr Bueno must be lightniong fast, as Rory takes 3-5 seconds to towel the ball and usually less than ten seconds to take a throw in,” says Paul Ashton. Time it, I have. BTW, is that a joint of beef or pork that you are rolling, and do you include stuffing?”
16 min Arsenal are having an almost indecent amount of possession now, but Stoke are defending with reasonable comfort.
15 min “As long as we’re doing plugs, how about a mention for my recently victorious all-night-five-a-side-charity-tournament winning team ‘Dry Hump’?” says Aidan Jackso-Evans. “We’re probably more Arsenal than Stoke in the style department, except we have the trophy to show for it. It also helps that there are no throw-ins in five-a-side.” With the head-height rule, a Stoke five-a-side team would be interesting.
14 min Bendtner shoots from 25 yards. It dribbles about seven miles wide of the far post.
12 min “As a neutral observer I’ve grown fond of the Rory Delap Throw-In TV Time-Out (TM),” says Joaquin Bueno. “It allows me to get up, make a snack, roll a joint, and grab a pint, whilst Rory lovingly towels off the dripping match ball and stretches his supple triceps.” What’s a joint?
11 min Goals change games, of course, and now Stoke are sitting deep, allowing Arsenal to pass the ball around, whereas before they were in their face high up the pitch. Why not just carry on the way you were? Anyway, Arsenal win their first corner, and do nothing with it.
GOAL! Stoke 1-0 Arsenal (Pugh That didn’t take long. Rory Delap’s first throw-in brings a goal. It was on the right and thrown flat and hard towards the six-yard line, where Shawcross got above everyone to flick a header towards the far corner. It was going wide, but Danny Pugh ran in to crouch and head into the net from a couple of yards. I think Shawcross was just helping it into a dangerous area rather than going for goal; either way, it was perfect for Pugh.
5 min “Where do you stand on the divisive Theo Walcott issue?” says Lee James. “Talented player recovering from a form-destroying bought of injuries, or an athlete with zero footballing intelligence? Personally I think he’s in the wrong side, would have fitted well into the counter-attacking Arsenal sides of yore but he has very little space to accelerate in these days.”
Being a morbid sort, I am fascinated by young players who don’t make it, and Walcott looks like he is going down that road. Sad, really. He’ll be playing in the Championship by the age of 26.
3 min A good start from Stoke, who are harrying Arsenal very high up the pitch, resulting in an error there from Song. Arsenal have not settled yet.
2 min Fuller slips away from Vermaelen on the right and drills in a dangerous low cross. Campbell clears.
1 min Arsenal are in their dark-blue away kit. Stoke kick off from left to right.
Pre-match email
“That Arsenal line-up has made me very nostalgic. There was something beautiful about the sparse – almost Supremacist/Constructivist – quality of that Arsenal kit (no, I’m not a Gooner); from the white sleeve demarcations to the plain bottle green goalie jersey, with the beautifully plain JVC logo the icing on the cake. Not to mention that Paul Davis, David Rocastle and John Lukic are three names that really should be more widely and fondly celebrated by afficiandos of English league football” – Scott W.
Team news
Stoke (4-4-2) Sorensen; Wilkinson, Shawcross, Abdoulaye Faye, Huth; Delap, Whelan, Whitehead, Pugh; Sidibe, Fuller.
Subs: Begovic, Lawrence, Beattie, Kitson, Diao, Sanli, Collins.
Arsenal (4-1-4-1) Almunia; Sagna, Campbell, Vermaelen, Clichy; Song; Eboue, Fabregas, Ramsey, Nasri; Bendtner.
Subs: Fabianski, Rosicky, Eduardo, Vela, Walcott, Silvestre, Traore.
Referee Peter Walton (Northamptonshire)
The Arsenal team the last time they won at Stoke, on 6 January 1990
Lukic, Dixon, P Davis, Thomas (Jonsson), O’Leary, Adams, Quinn, Richardson, P Groves, Bould, Merson (Rocastle)
I bet some serious quantitites of Gatorade were drunk on the coach home that night.
A wee plug from John Jordan “Can I just point out that the incredibly talented Rose Elinor Dougall is playing at the Winchester Discovery Centre tonight, and because the numpties there have failed to market it only 30 tickets have been sold? It’s only £6 to go and see one of the most brilliant solo artists out there currently, a plug in the MBM would work wonders!”
Well I don’t know about the last bit, given that we have twos of readers, but I agree with the rest. You can listen here, and may recognise Ms Dougall as the lady from the Pipettes. Dance with her pretty boy tonight.
Preamble The notion of the title decider is a seductive one, but the reality is that you don’t need to win the big games to win the title. Last season Manchester United dropped only two points all season against the bottom 12, winning the league despite being embarrassed home and away by Liverpool, and this year Arsenal have dropped only four.
No side since the War has won England’s top flight after losing all four games to the second- and third-place teams, but Arsenal might change that this season. Despite losing home and away to Chelsea and Manchester United, humiliatingly in the two home fixtures, they will be three points off top spot if they win today. They also have a much easier run-in, with only two games against the top eight, City at home and Spurs away. United and Chelsea have four, including each other and Liverpool.
Yet if Arsenal have been ruthless in disposing of the smaller sides so far, Stoke away is surely a different matter. It comes somewhere inbetween: it’s not a top-eight side, but the unique relationship between Stoke and Arsenal makes it a really hard game and compromises my thoroughly lazy attempt to divide the league into a top eight and a bottom 12.
Arsenal have lost both matches at the Britannia Stadium in the last couple of seasons, and the two sides could not be more ideologically opposed: Delap against Fabregas, artisans against aesthetes, rugged knee-tremblers against sensual love-makers, TK Maxx against Prada.
The perception remains that Arsenal simply do not like it up ‘em. A win today would look that perception up and down disdainfully, jab it in the chest and say ‘Do you want some?’ It would also, in my tiny mind at least, make them title favourites. (You can currently get 4-1, and if I hadn’t tindered my last on pints of Heavy last night I’d have some of that.) All told, it should be a cracker.
England v Ireland – live!
Hit refresh or F5 for all the latest updates from the big Six Nations clash at Twickenham and email scott.murray@guardian.co.uk with your thoughts
58 min: Sexton misses the conversion attempt, so it’s still a one-score game. If a draw does it for you, that is.
56 min: TRY!!! England 6-13 Ireland. Oh it could be crucial alright. From the line out, Ireland set themselves up a few yards out under the posts, fairly central. Sexton spots a gap out left, flinging a quick ball out to Earls on the touchline. Earls catches cleanly and drops over the line in one movement, right in the corner.
55 min: Wahey! It all kicks off. O’Leary and Care take each other by the throat. O’Leary prevented the ball being released. A penalty, but it’s reversed because Care instigated the brawl, shoving the Irish player in the chest and dumping him to the ground. “You can’t take the law into your own hands,” says the referee. Ireland send the ball towards the corner on the left. This could be a crucial phase of play.
53 min: This is awful. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, England! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
50 min: England allow themselves to be turned over inside their own 22. What a shambles. Ireland throw it across the line and set themselves up just in front of the posts, 10 metres out. They engage in a lot of fannying around, eventually conceding a penalty for not releasing the ball on the ground. This is pretty poor fare. “Gary Naylor has an iPhone?” splutters Mac Millings. “I’m surprised he gets reception in his Mum’s basement.” I also wonder if he has an app so he no longer needs to carry about his 17-sided dice?
46 min: Monye is tackled in mid-air by Heaslip. That’s a penalty, allowing England to send a kick just in front of the Irish 22 on the left. There’s a cross-field kick by Wilkinson, an effort to spring a couple of white shirts free down the right, but Murphy is around to take, call for the mark, and quickly wallop clear. Hoof hoof hoof. ENGLAND ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™: B, but the grass is very wet and in danger of being stamped down before it can prosper.
44 min: Sexton had a go with a penalty from inside his own half during the first period, and now Wilkinson takes a pop from 50-odd metres out. Again, an ambitious effort is dead on line, but short on distance.
42 min: The effort’s just wide right, never going over. Twickenham is almost totally silent, comatose you could say. Is everyone necking whole bottles of malt? I sort of hope so, mainly to ensure the news will be quite interesting tonight.
And we’re off again! Sexton hammers the restart to the far-right corner. Monye claims well. The ball’s hoofed up the line, Murphy dropping an easy catch and knocking forward, but Easter had run offside before the kick, and Ireland have a penalty, right on the touchline, just outside the 22. O’Driscoll orders Sexton to kick.
What the Twickenham public have been reduced to. On the BBC, Austin Healey is doing his analysis bit. Behind him in the stands, some bloke appears to have cracked open a bottle of single malt, which is on the shelf behind Healey’s head, and is necking it with some purpose and resolve. Now, my eyes aren’t that reliable, especially as the poor things can only send their signals to my slow brain, and that could be a big bottle of fancy ale. But it could be a bottle of Talisker too. That’s all I’m saying. I wish I had HD.
HALF TIME: England 6-8 Ireland. O’Driscoll chips down the right and chases after his own kick. With danger looming for the hosts, Monye sprints back to cover brilliantly. And that’s that for the half. Both teams have got just about what they deserved. The spectators haven’t, though; it was pretty turgid stuff on the whole. ENGLAND ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™: A, but that emulsion sure looks moreish!
36 min: PENALTY! England 6-8 Ireland. O’Connell is all over the shop at the lineout. Penalty. Happily for the BBC, Wilkinson takes an age before tokking it over from 40 yards, fairly central – because in the interim, some goon in the control booth decides to transmit about 30 seconds of credits from some godawful light-entertainment show that’s on later. It’s not quite a Dan Gosling / TicTac moment, but still a heady mix of hopeless and hapless. Thank you, my BBC!
34 min: Now it’s Ireland’s turn to spend a bit of time in the opposition half. They’re going nowhere fast, but it’s keeping Twickers very quiet. “I think we’re at option D,” says Alexander Netherton, referring to the ENGLAND ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™ I’ve totally forgotten to refer to. “It’s quite enjoyable so far but I still don’t like life.” EMAIL ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™: C
32 min: Earls booms down the centre and kicks forward towards the line, with the intention of haring after the thing himself. He’s tackled, though, and Care is on hand to sweep up the danger. That was a dangerous break from Ireland, who after a quiet-enough half hour, have suddenly sprung to life.
30 min: PENALTY! England 3-8 Ireland. Sexton strokes an effort over from 35 yards, just to the left of the posts. Naughty England and their handling transgressions on the floor!
27 min: Sexton sells the onrushing Payne an outrageous dummy – it’s real Puskas-Wright fire-engine stuff – and then drops the ball. From the sublime to the preposterous, though handling is difficult in this pelting rain. That was a beautiful trick to watch, just a wee drop of the shoulder to change direction as Payne spread himself dramatically, belly-flopping into a pool of thin air.
24 min: Some cock-up or other in the scrum gives Ireland a penalty, a couple of yards in their own half, just to the left of the posts. Sexton decides to have a massive whack at the posts, but while his effort is on line, there’s not enough bosh in it – a bit like a news story written for a broadsheet rather than a tabloid – and the score remains the same.
22 min: England are enjoying most of the ball, and plenty of territorial advantage here. They swing the ball right then left, taking turns to set up ruck after ruck on each wing, and even a wee maul at one point. It’s an impressive period of possession, but a forward pass spoils all the good work and the pressure’s off Ireland.
19 min: A reminder that this is still winter round these parts: the floodlights are turned on, blazing away, while the rain is pelting down on an old-fashioned quagmire of a pitch. Meanwhile here’s Gary Naylor, who appears to now have an iPhone, and therefore is about 398 times more dangerous than ever. “Interesting to see the Royal Bank of Scoundrels’ logo in the middle of the tatty pitch,” he taps on the move. “They were supposed to be too big to fail – like England’s pack. Like England’s pack, their comeuppance came just after they started to believe it.” What a shame Naylor wasn’t around in the early 1960s, for he’d have surely been a regular at Peter Cook’s Establishment club, with occasional appearances on TW3 to boot, quite the man about Soho.
17 min: PENALTY! England 3-5 Ireland. Some minor infringment or other – sorry, I missed it – gifts England a penalty near the left touchline, 30 yards or so out. Wilkinson has had a kicking shocker so far, but class will out, and he strokes this one between the sticks.
14 min: What tatty play all round. Ireland allow the ball to be turned over 20 yards out. England nearly power through the centre, Easter determined, but he’s held up a couple of metres from the line. The ball’s quickly lost by England – then shed with undue haste by Ireland. The whole farcical phase of play comes to an end with Wilkinson shanking a ludicrously poor drop goal attempt wide right from about 15 metres out tops.
12 min: The Irish are offside at a ruck, 30 yards out to the right of the posts. The ball’s shuttled back to Wilkinson, who attempts a drop goal in the full knowledge he’ll have another chance if it misses. Which it does – as does his fairly simple penalty attempt, crashing high off the left-hand post! Oh Johnny! How could you!
8 min: England look to fling it out right again, but Cueto and Tait are ponderous, allowing Best to break up play and leaving Flutey hugging the touchline waving his arms around in irritation.
6 min: The conversion attempt is missed. Twickenham is silent.
4 min: WHAT A START BY IRELAND! TRY! England 0-5 Ireland. Tait looks to open Ireland up down the right, going on a brave run, but he’s got no support and the ball’s turned over. Ireland fling it across the line out right, Sexton kicking through for Bowe to race clear after the ball down the wing and touch down for a dramatic opening score. Wonderful play by the Irish, pretty awful stuff by England.
And we’re off! What a farce right from the off. Wilkinson kicking towards… well, I don’t know the names of the stands, so he’s kicking in the wrong direction if you wanted to reach the M3. Anyway, he fluffs the kick-off, the ball bouncing barely 10 yards forwards. Ireland soon have their first feel of the ball in England territory, before the game quickly descends into a bout of possession-swapping.
Someone really needs to do something about that anthem. Land of Hope And Glory is blaring out now. That’s better. Not much better, admittedly, but let’s keep everything in context.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
The anthems. First Ireland’s Call, then God Save The Queen. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
A fair point, well made. “Adults?” splutters Noor Jivraj. “Whoever heard of an adult male? Let alone a sporting fan. We just are kids in higher-priced seats.”
John Hayes. He comes bounding out of the very wide tunnel at Twickenham on his own, to warm applause; he’s the first Irish player to earn his 100th cap. So well done to him. Brian O’Driscoll – picking up his 99th cap himself – leads the rest of the team out a few seconds later. Then out come England. It’s huddles all round. Aw.
Kick off: 4pm.
Referee: Mark Lawrence (South Africa)
The England / Ireland teams, in an all-new format that may or may not work very well on the page, but saves me a whole load of reformatting here, so let’s go with it:
15-Delon Armitage 15-Geordan Murphy
14-Mark Cueto 14-Tommy Bowe
13-Mathew Tait 13-Brian O’Driscoll (captain)
12-Riki Flutey 12-Gordon D’Arcy
11-Ugo Monye 11-Keith Earls,
10-Jonny Wilkinson 10-Jonathan Sexton
9-Danny Care 9-Tomas O’Leary
8-Nick Easter 8-Jamie Heaslip
7-Lewis Moody 7-David Wallace
6-James Haskell 6-Stephen Ferris
5-Steve Borthwick (captain) 5-Paul O’Connell
4-Simon Shaw 4-Donncha O’Callaghan
3-Dan Cole 3-John Hayes
2-Dylan Hartley 2-Rory Best
1-Tim Payne 1-Cian Healy
The reason I say “stealing the title from France” and not “stealing the title from England”: Come on, we’re all adults here.
Still, like George Costanza waiting for an apology for the apology plus the original apology from James Spader’s recovering alcoholic, England are two in the hole! They might have only beaten Wales thanks to Alan Wyn Jones’ idiocy, and bested Italy after sending them into a worryingly deep coma, but two wins are two wins. Ireland, on the other hand, were undressed in Paris a fortnight ago, 33-10, and suddenly don’t look quite as invincible as they once did. No grand slam for them this year, then – and no slim chance of stealing the title from France unless they win at Twickers today.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
So. England, then. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Saturday clockwatch – live!
Hit the auto-update button for the latest posts, check all the live scores here and email Tom.Lutz@Guardian.co.uk if you like
4.11pm: Norwich look to be extending their lead at the top of League One. Grant Holt’s 25th goal of the season makes it Oldham 0-1 Norwich. The latest League One table is here.
4.09pm: Ireland have taken an early lead over England at Twickenham where’s it’s England 0-5 Ireland. Scott Murray’s coverage is here. And more bad news for the Baggies: it’s West Brom 0-1 Derby.
4.05pm: West Brom continue to press against Derby. It’s 0-0 and Newcastle are extending their lead over the Baggies: they’re 1-0 up against Watford.
3.52pm: Here’s how the Premier League table stands at half-time. And here’s those all-important Austrian refereeing stats.
3.50pm: How does Peter Beagrie look younger now than he did in his playing days? I smell a Satanic pact, which smells a but like sulphur and singed hair.
3.48pm: … and it’s GOAL! Birmingham 1-0 Wigan (McFadden 45). Should never have been a penalty apparently, Roberto Martínez had already complained about the standard of refereeing in England earlier this week.
3.47pm: GOAL! Bolton 1-0 Wolves (Knight 45) and penalty at St Andrew’s, Fahey dives ludicrously…
3.43pm: Shall we talk about Bolton v Wolves? OK. Balanced game so far according to an “insiPAULMERSONder” and Wolves have just gone very close with the ball cleared off the line. Elsewhere, it’s Reading 1-0 Sheff Wed.
3.42pm: Save! That’s usually as exciting as you get at St Andrew’s. Kirkland flings himself across goal to deny McFadden.
3.40pm: Saints are 3-1 up against Walsall. They can’t creep into the playoffs can they? No but it’s a fantastic effort after a points deduction at the start of the season. Who’s have thunk it? Southampton offering Portsmouth hope.
3.37pm: A blonde lady in the background of the Sky Sports studio has put her coat on and is off for lunch. How can she leave when Peterhead have just equalised against Alloa. No regard for the little man at Sky. Jamie Ward makes it Sheffield United 2-0 Plymouth.
3.33pm: The dream dies. GOAL! Burnley 1-1 Portsmouth (Paterson 31) A wonderful finish by all accounts and Paterson’s second in two games. Or his second all season if you don’t like him all that much.
3.31pm: Burnley come back against Pompey and James needs to save well. “I’m in the Irish pub in Santa Cruz, Bolivia,” says Colin Dunlop. There’s only one Irish pub in Santa Cruz?. “I’m waiting for the game to start. I may well be the only Englishman watching rugby in Bolivia.” You’ve forgotten about La Paz’s Irish quarter.
3.29pm: Here’s Phil Withnall: “I’ve just realised that with the League Cup final kicking off at one in the morning Brisbane time the planned “gold” and green protest by Man Utd fans, along with a few drinks, could lead me to think that the mighty Norwich are actually playing in a cup final again. As Captain Sensible once said: ‘You’ve got to have a dream’” Think you may need to start drinking now to pull that one off, Phil.
3.26pm: GOAL! Burnley 0-1 Portsmouth (Piquionne 25) Only 584 more of these and Pompey could stay up this season. A few more of these and Burnley will be in a wee spot of bother. Hull 2008/09 anyone?
3.24pm: Here’s Barney Ronay: “Very slow start at St Andrew’s, but out of nowhere Scott Dann just hit the bar with a header from six yards from Larsson’s free kick. Wigan are wearing shirts exactly the same colour as the stewards’ high-vis orange jackets.” It’s what all the kids are wearing in Birmingham this year. Next year: referee heroin-chique.
3.19pm: Football’s the one where you can’t use your hands, right? Swansea get a penalty against Peterbrough Cotterill converts ocooly and it’s Swansea 3-0 Peterbrou… Sorry: Swansea 1-0 Peterbrough. it’s tough converting sports.
3.17pm: But Italy eventually win the penalty and it ends Italy 16-12 Scotland. Great result for Italy but Scotland lacked any invention inside the Italy 22. Right. What’s the Millwall-Hartlepool score?
3.16pm: And Italy win possession! But somehow fail to kick it out to end the game and Scotland have the ball back!
3.15pm: A try wins it remember … a drop or penalty does them no good.
3.15pm: Scotland are now in Italy’s half… just.
3.14pm: Scotland win a penalty with seven seconds to go. They have to run it: no time for the lineout.
3.13pm: One minute to go… 13 phases for Italy.
3.12pm: Italy do a great job of keeping the ball and the clock ticking going through phase after phase of possession.
3.10pm: Italy win a scrum and win some precious possession and territory. They’re firmly in Scotland’s half with three minutes to go.
3.09pm: Dan Parks is named man of the match. He was man of the match against Wales too so I wouldn’t be getting too excited. I’ll go over to the football very soon but this is mildly exciting.
3.07pm: It gets worse for the Scots as Italy win a penalty just a bit forward from the half-way line. Gower goes for the kick: He has more power than Bergamasco. It has the direction but is a few yards short. Scotland live to fight another minute.
3.05pm: Italy win possession from Scotland’s scrum! A tremendous effort from the Italians against a pack who have dominated today.
3.04pm: Yep, Jacobsen was held up and it’s a five-metre scrum to Scotland. No try. Jacobsen was injured in the build up and comes off for Murray.
3.02pm: Scotland come forward again. And win a lineout around five yards out, Italy defend fiercely on the line as Scotland batter in again and again. Eventually Jacobsen burrows forward and his “try” goes to the video ref for the second time today.
3.00pm: Scotland mount some pressure and win a scrum in a threatening position. Dickinson is penalised though before they can engage and Italy win a penalty and clear. Way to lose Scotland!
2.56pm: TRY! Italy 14-12 Scotland Canale squirms free wonderfully and times his offload to perfection for Canavosio to be left with a simple run in. Begamasco coverts to make it Italy 16-12 Scotland.
2.55pm: Barney Ronay always enjoys a trip to the beauty of St Andrew’s. He’s so peppy in fact he’s sent this update: “Titus Bramble returns for Wigan. Blues unchanged for the 173rd home match in a row. Wigan have about 150 travelling fans. It’s the Mario Melchiot derby.”
2.53pm: Penalty for Scotland. Parks comes up trumps again and it’s Italy 9-12 Scotland.
2.51pm: Italy haven’t enjoyed this much pressure since the early stages of the first-half. Mirco Bergamasco almost chases down a chip and chase and Scotland have to clear from behind their own line.
2.49pm: Italy are starting to run the ball more now: this is shaping up nicely for a tense finish with the scores still level.
2.44pm: Cusiter and Beattie are off and Strokosch and Blair are on.
2.43pm: It’s full time at Stamford Bridge: Chelsea 2-4 Man City. You can see how the Premier League table now looks here.
2.40pm: Italy mount a decent attack but Scotland manage to fend them off.
2.37pm: Scotland win a penalty and opt to take the scrum: they’re confident they can power over their line and no wonder: their pack has been strong today. Parks eventually drops the scores level. Italy 9-9 Scotland
2.35pm: The replay is unclear as to whether Scotland got the ball down and it’s no try: a five-metre scrum is awarded.
2.34pm: While the ref rules on that, Man City score another through Bellamy. Chelsea 1-4 (four) Man City
2.33pm: Scotland continue to press and Alan Jacobsen finds himself free on the wing and is pushed over the line. The video ref is called for…
2.31pm: Barclay stars again as he rumbles forward. Tebaldi then gets himself in trouble as he’s caught in possesion near his own try line and his kick away almost falls to the Scots in a favourable position.
2.29pm: Scotland are offside in the ruck and Bergamasco has a chance from 40 metres out. He converts with no problem. Italy 9-6 Scotland
2.25pm: Birmingham v Wigan
Birmingham: Hart, Carr, Johnson, Dann, Ridgewell, Larsson,
Ferguson, Bowyer, Fahey, Jerome, McFadden. Subs: Taylor,
Phillips, Benitez, Michel, Parnaby, Vignal, Gardner.
Wigan: Kirkland, Melchiot, Caldwell, Bramble, Figueroa, Thomas, Scharner, Diame, McCarthy, N’Zogbia, Rodallega. Subs: Stojkovic, Scotland, Moses, Gomez, Sinclair, Boyce, Moreno.
Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)
2.24pm: Bolton v Wolverhampton
Bolton: Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Ricketts, Knight, Robinson,
Muamba, Lee, Wilshere, Holden, Elmander, Kevin Davies. Subs: Al Habsi, Taylor, Riga, Klasnic, Cohen, Andrew O’Brien, Weiss.
Wolverhampton: Hahnemann, Zubar, Craddock, Berra, Ward, Henry, Guedioura, Foley, David Jones, Jarvis, Doyle. Subs: Hennessey,Elokobi, Ebanks-Blake, Keogh, Vokes, Milijas, Mancienne.
Referee: Andre Marriner (W Midlands)
2.24pm: Penalty to Man City and Belletti is off after shoving Gareth Barry in the area. Wayne Bridge doesn’t take it, more’s the pity. Tevez does and scores! Chelsea 1-3 Man City.
2.18pm: Team news starts to trickle in, which means I’m going to have to leave my 5,733 word analysis of Kellock’s handling in the first-half. It was good too.
Burnley v Portsmouth
Burnley: Jensen, Mears, Carlisle, Cort, Fox, Elliott, McDonald, Bikey, Blake, Fletcher, Paterson. Subs: Weaver, Duff, Edgar, Jordan, Thompson, Eagles, Cork.
Portsmouth: James, Finnan, Rocha, Hreidarsson, Belhadj, Wilson, Webber, O’Hara, Yebda, Owusu-Abeyie, Piquionne. Subs: Ashdown, Mullins, Diop, Brown, Utaka, Dindane, Kanu.
Referee: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)
2.14pm: Half-time. Italy 6-6 Scotland. Both sides have looked short of invention, with Scotland looking the slightly more dangerous side because of Barclay and Parks.
2.11pm: Penalty to Scotland. They mount a good attack down the right-wing and a professional foul wins a penalty for Parks. Sole is lucky not to get a yellow card for that. Parks’s kick fades to the right and slips wide.
2.07pm: Scotland are relying on Parks’s kicking and Barclay’s power at the moment. They win a line-out from a great kick from Parks, Barclay surges forward and as they probe for an opening a pass flies forward. Shoddy play once again in a promising position.
2.04pm: Penalty to Scotland, to the left of the posts. Parks’s kicking is once again true and Scotland are level. Italy 6-6 Scotland
2.01pm: Brilliant kick from Parks, kicking to within a couple of yards of the Italy line. His kicking has been sound, as has Scotland’s scrum, their passing and handling have been shoddy though.
1.59pm: It’s Chelsea 1-2 Man City at Stamford Bridge. Bellamy breaks from the halfway line and his finish goes across Hilario into the far corner.
1.57pm: Danielli is nailed as he goes up for a high ball. Scotland win the penalty and the kick takes them into Italy’s half. This is better from Scotland.
1.54pm: Barclay dives into space again, his running game today has been superb. Zanni then almost intercepts a Scotland pass: if he’d done so that could have been a breakaway try.
1.51pm: Scotland win the line-out on Italy’s throw and a great break from John Barclay gets his team within five-yards of the line. They have to settle for a penalty in the end, which Parks coverts. Italy 6-3 Scotland
1.50pm: Dan Parks kicks inside Italy’s 22 and the Scots have generated some pressure at last.
1.47pm: Italy have been camped in Scotland’s half so far. How camped? About 69% camped: camper than Glee but not quite as camp as one of them little dogs Paris Hilton keeps in her handbag.
1.43pm: Bergamasco’s chip forward has to be gathered quickly by Parks and he bumbles the ball out for a line-out. Italy win the set-piece and Scotland are eventually caught offside. Another penalty to Italy, right in front of the posts, and Bergamasco slots through an easy kick. Italy 6-0 Scotland
1.41pm:Penalty to Italy and Mirco Bergamasco chips in an easy three points from just to the right of the posts. Italy 3-0 Scotland
1.37pm: It’s 1-1 at Chelsea v Man City, by the way. Terry was at fault for City’s goal, which kind of goes without saying these days.
1.35pm: Italy have another attack and are looking aggressive: they obviously think Scotland are there for the taking. They should really wait until the last 10 minutes.
1.32pm: Kick off in Rome. Italy have an early surge down the wing. The camera flicks to Claire Newby in the stand. She is well fit.
1.27pm: In the pre-match niceties, Rory Lamont refuses to shake Mauro Begamasco’s hand because he pulled Claire Newby when they were at school even though he knew Rory had once got off with her on the Geography field trip to Ironbridge.
Let’s start with a gag so groundbreaking that when I delivered it to the rest of the office today, at least five people interrupted and finished it for me. And there are only four other people in the office:
It’s a big day of sport and all eyes will be on the bottom of the table where the boys in blue are attempting to recover from a horrible meltdown that has left people questioning their survival in the game … [wait for it] anyway that enough about Scotland, Portsmouth are playing Burnley too.
Yeaaaah. Here are the teams for Italy v Scotland:
Italy: McLean, Masi, Canale, Garcia, M. Bergamasco, Gower, Tebaldi, Perugini, Ghiraldini, Castrogiovanni, Geldenhuys,
Bortolami, Sole, M. Bergamasco, Zanni.
Replacements: Ongaro, Aguero, Del Fava, Derbyshire, Canavosio, Bocchino, Robertson.
Scotland: Southwell, Danielli, M. Evans, Morrison, S. Lamont, Parks, Cusiter, Jacobsen, Ford, Murray, Hamilton, Kellock,
Brown, Barclay, Beattie.
Replacements: S. Lawson, Dickinson, Hines, Strokosch, Blair, Godman, De Luca.
Referee: Dave Pearson (RFU)
Tom will be here shortly, we hope, although he has lost his phone apparently and we can’t get hold of him.
In the meantime you can follow Chelsea v Man City with Rob Smyth.
For the latest Six Nations previews and reports click here.
And keep up with all the live scores from all the matches around Europe here.
Chelsea v Man City – live!
You know the drill by now.
1) Let the auto-refresh take the strain or punish F5 with abandon
2) Email rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk
3) Tweet him if you want
4) Follow the latest scores around Europe
PENALTY TO CITY AND BELLETTI SENT OFF!
74 min Ballack controls a bouncing ball very well to strike it low towards the far corner from 30 yards. Given gets down to save and, more importantly, hold onto the ball.
73 min “The one thing that can be said of both teams (given the circumstances), is that they’re true professionals,” says Peter Corway. “Something similar happened in my school playing days. Two lads were kissing the same girl, so when the local match came up on the Sunday morning, it disintegrated into a 22-boy brawl.”
72 min Chelsea are having most of the ball, as they have almost all game, but City are defending with as much comfort as can be expected while protecting a lead away to a side with such a stunning home record. You just know, however, that a siege is coming.
71 min “t will have been the City fans booing when Sturridge came on after he left on a free having demanded £70,000 a week contract despite being a 18-year-old squad member,” says Peter Green, generously correcting my 61st-minute entry. “He makes Ashley Cole look humble.”
70 min Bellamy stings Hilario’s buttered palms from 30 yards. It was a rudimentary save, though.
69 min Chelsea’s last substitution: Salomon Kalou replaces Ricardo Carvalho. So Ivanovic goes to centre-back, Belletti to right-back and Anelka to centre-forward in a 4-2-4 formation.
67 min A lovely solo run from Anelka, coming infield from the left, ends with a vicious strike that Given can only beat away. It was straight at him but Anelka strikes the ball so beautifully so there was no chance of catching it. Seconds later, Belletti drives a wonderful diagonal pass over the head of Lescott for Drogba, who chests it down and sees his shot blocked by Given. He was only a couple of yards out, but beyond the far post and that meant Given was right on top of him the moment he chested it down. Mike Dean gives a goalkick rather than a corner, and Ballack is booked for dissent.
66 min Bellamy almost makes it 3-1. Tevez played a brilliant, lobbed crossfield pass inside the right-back Ivanovic. Bellamy scorched beyond him and into the area, but the ball bounced awkwardly and then enabled Ivanovic to get back and clear for a corner before Bellamy could get his shot in.
65 min “In an utterly uncharacteristic bid to talk about the bloody game – do you know what’s up with Deco?” says Phil Podolsky. “Chelsea’s effectiveness notwithstanding, their not infrequently witless displays suggest they could benefit greatly from his wily virtuosity.”
Isn’t he just a bit past it? That said, Chelsea have looked fairly witless today.
63 min Tevez squares up to Terry after a challenge in the Chelsea penalty area. Terry won a goalkick by kicking the ball off Tevez, and then then they both stuck their chests into each other. It wasn’t exactly footsie, so Mrs Tevez has nothing to worry about.
61 min Three substitutions. For City, Wright-Phillips replaces Johnson; for Chelsea, Belletti replaces Mikel and Sturride replaces Cole, the latter decision bringing boos from the Chelsea fans.
60 min “The handshake for those who missed it” says Adam Hirst.
59 min Our tools keep crashing; apologies for this. Ivanovic and Zabaleta have been booked in the last few minutes.
57 min Modern football is odd. City are 2-1 up, but I bet they’re the only one of the two teams who would take a draw right now.
55 min Terry plays a really gorgeous pass inside Richards for the onrushing Carvalho – similar to the one he played at the Emirates leading up to Drogba’s opening goal – but his cross is claimed by Given.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-2 Manchester City (Bellamy 51) A wonderful goal from Craig Bellamy! Chelsea were caught terribly on the counter, with Carvalho and Ivanovic stranded upfield, when Barry found Bellamy on the halfway line down the left wing. He was one on one against Mikel and, having run to within 20 yards of goal, roared past Mikel before driving a very careful left-footed shot into the far corner from a tight angle. Hilario might just have done better but, on balance, that was a really outstanding goal; clinical and classy.
48 min Adam Johnson slaloms infield from the right, easily away from Malouda and to the edge of the box, where is he cleaned out by Terry, who is booked. The free-kick is 20 yards out and right of centre; ideal for the left-footed Bridge… who rams it straight into the wall.
47 min The game has a touch more snap at the start of the second half, although that is not hard. When Ivanovic fouls Tevez, Terry helps him to his feet. A giant of a man.
46 min City kick off from right to left.
Half-time emails
“Rob, I was avoiding having any opinion on the wretched Terry-Bridge nonsense, until yesterday I had the misfortune of stumbling across the Daily Mail’s opinion on the situation. I felt so soiled by reading this piece that I am now firmly in Bridge’s camp” – Alan Cooper.
“BOOO! JOHN TERRY! BOOO!” – Alex Netherton.
“Does the assist from Bridge and the error from Terry show that there is justice in football? Clearly Terry is a man who favours action over words, so perhaps that’s his apology right there. Much more meaningful than some ghosted-column in the Sun. A man with such moral fortitude should be reinstated as England captain” – David Wall.
“If the script gods are reading could they make the following happen please: Chelsea are leading 2-1 thanks to a goal by Anelka (my Fantasy League team needs the points) in the 89th minute; John Terry sticks out a leg in the box and brings down any Man City player thereby awarding them a penalty and himself a red card; Wayne Bridge trundles up to him to ‘encourage him off the pitch’; Wayne Bridge steps up, dinks the penalty past Hilario, and cups his hand to his ear to receive the adulation of 40,000 West London Blue Boys.
Unlikely, but a nice daydream” – Atif Ahmed.
Half time: Chelsea 1-1 Manchester City Terry moans at the referee on the way off; no idea why. Also, seconds before the City goal Joe Cole was denied by Given from 10 yards, with Lampard muffing the follow-up.
45+3 min Lescott misses a really good chance to give City the lead. A deep, inswinging free-kick from Bellamy on the left found him unmarked at the right corner of the six-yard box, but he headed the ball across goal and wide of the far post. It was awkward because he saw it late, his view obscured by Richards, but a goalscoring defender of his quality should have done better.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-1 Manchester City (Tevez 45) What a ridiculous goal! A huge punt out of defence from Bridge is backheaded by Mikel, on the halfway line, towards Terry. It goes straight through him and that allows Tevez to get his head down and charge towards goal. He reaches the edge of the area before going inside and then back outside the covering Carvalho and then, off balance after a sly trip from Terry, completely scuffs his shot across goal from the right side of the six-yard box. I actually turned away to type about how he’d missed and might have had a penalty, only to hear the laughter around the office as the ball went in. Somehow it dribbled past Hilario, who dived to his right but was deceived by the complete lack of pace, and into the corner. A comedy of errors for Chelsea. As shambolic as the goal was, you have to give huge credit to Tevez. He had literally no teammates within 50 yards of him. A triumph of the human spirit, that goal. Oh and the assist goes to Bridge, hilariously.
45 min “Man City only threatened Liverpool with outbreaks of intense lethargy when they played at home,” says Ian Copestake, “so I think this is their default style no matter what the opposition or where they play.” Mancini is doomed, isn’t he?
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Manchester City (Lampard 42) Chelsea’s patience pays off with a fine goal from the marvellous Frank Lampard. It was made by Joe Cole, who got himself into a lovely position between defence and midfield, 35 yards out, and then stabbed an inviting pass down the side of the defence. Lampard, running diagonally from centre to right to the edge of the box, cut his first-time shot back across Given and in off the far post. A typically accomplished, economical Lampard goal, although the defending was not great: Kompany tried to push up for offside even though Richards, behind him, was five yards deeper and thus playing Lampard onside on the other side of the box.
41 min “When did the Guardian start believing that unsubstantiated gossip from unnamed sources in the NOTW must be treated as ‘FACT’?” says Rod Boyle. “Do you read your own paper?” No, I try not to. At the risk of undermining your entire argument, I never asserted it was fact or anything of the kind. You are right, though: maybe Bridge dreamt it all! Like Bobby Ewing! Only with one of his best mates betraying him! And maybe Capello dreamt it to and that’s why he sacked Terry!
40 min Anelka zips dangerously infield from the left again. This time he lets fly from the edge of the box – and it is blocked by Frank Lampard! I reckon that was going in or would, at the very least, have drawn a fine save from Given.
38 min Anelka bursts dangerously infield from the left, past two defenders, but then hopelessly overhits his reverse pass to Joe Cole.
36 min Drogba fires over from eight yards. An excellent defensive header from Kompany sent the ball to the edge of the box, where the onrushing Lampard screwed his first time shot. It came to Drogba, on the turn and in line with the far post, but he curved a left-footed effort over the top. That was a good opportunity, if deceptively awkward.
35 min Zabaleta is off getting treatment. Richards, meanwhile, is having a shocker; he concedes another free-kick by the left touchline – and Malouda spanks it straight out of play on the other side of the pitch. Bizarre.
31 min Kompany slices a clearance over his own bar, which leads to a Chelsea corner. It comes to nothing except a particularly unpleasant clash of heads between Drogba and Zabaleta. While Zabaleta is treated – and he looks extremely groggy – Bridge and Joe Cole have a chat and a laugh. Bad Joe! Naughty Joe!
30 min A eulogy to City, from Richard Clarke: “We’re the Factory Records of football. In the same way world’s best-selling 12″, Blue Monday, made them a loss, we’ve won the league one season and got relegated the next while scoring over 100 goals… doh! More recently, our season’s turning into ‘Pills Thrills & Bellyaches’, as a bunch of once-talented pitch musicians get loads of money thrown at them, forgot the plot (the Mondays did this on a cocaine and crack-fuelled West Indian island recording studio) and produce a moderately stiffing album everyone in the city was relying on to save the day.”
28 min Anelka’s 30-yard shot is easily saved by Given. This game is shocking. That’s as much down to City’s approach as anything. I’m not criticising them for that; I always played cagily away from home to bigger teams on Champo Manager.
27 min “I can’t help but actually feel a little disappointed by the (non)handshake,” says Chris Kempshall. “I was rather hoping City might have approached Terry more along these lines.”
25 min Drogba misses a headed half-chance. He pulled off the dawdling Richards towards the far post onto a good, clipped cross from the right corner of the box by the ever-excellent Lampard. He needed to head it back whence it came into the far corner, but didn’t judge it correctly and popped it tamely over the bar.
24 min Bellamy, who would have been free on goal – albeit wide on the left – is wrongly given offside.
21 min Chelsea have had 60 per cent possession but City’s 7-0-3 formation has worked well in terms of smothering their attacks. Ninety minutes is a long time to hang on at Stamford Bridge, though.
20 min “I agree completely with your sentiments about Terry, but calling the booing of Bridge by Chelsea fans the death knell for a once proud nation is frankly [insert word here],” says Patrick Cullen. “Spectators at football matches have always had the privilege of safety in numbers allowing them to make socially unacceptable comments, the only thing that’s changed through the years is the definition of what is socially unacceptable – and anyone who remembers the monkey noises and thrown bananas of only a few years ago knows things are moving in the right direction. Terry doesn’t seem like a nice bloke, but the Chelsea fans are only doing what fans always try and do – back their team against the opposition any way they can.” I’m not saying it’s anything new, and obviously the death knell thing was a little hyperbolic, but come on: there may be in safety in numbers but you can be sure these fans would make the same point individually. And that’s not really indicative of a healthy society, is it now?
18 min Adam Johnson’s curving free-kick from 25 yards, to the right, is comfortably saved by Hilario. But Tevez, running across the line of the goalkeeper, wasn’t far away from getting a touch. Thirty seconds later Given parries a shot from Joe Cole on the left side of the box. It was a fairly routine save, although Cole did nicely to beat Johnson on the right, come back infield and then crunch his shot towards goal. I like Joe Cole; I hope this is just an iffy spell for him rather than something more permanent.
15 min Richards misjudges Ivanovic’s long angled cross. That gives Drogba space on the left of the box, but his chipped cross clears everyone and is cleared by Bridge.
14 min Richards cleans Drogba out just outside the box on the left wing, a hopeless attempt at defending. It’ll be taken by Drogba, who presumably will go straight for goal even though it’s an awkward angle. In fact it’s a bluff and he lays it back to the edge of the box for Lampard, whose shot is blocked.
13 min Bridge and Terry haven’t been near each other as yet. You wouldn’t expect them to, really, given their positions, unless maybe a corner pinballs around the box.
12 min A fantastic effort from the left-back Malouda, a first-time shot from 35 yards that arrowed only a couple of yards over the bar. In fairness, Given pulled his hand away but it wonderfully struck.
11 min “Terry should be reinstated as captain,” says Ian Copestake, “because he is a perfect representative of little England.”
10 min City have their first sustained spell of attacking, culminating in Adam Johnson being humped over from behind on the right wing, maybe 40 yards from goal. It’s swung deep beyond the far post and volleyed into orbit by the stretching Kompany.
8 min Nothing is happening. Bridge is being booed every time he touches the ball, and it’s not pantomime stuff either. “Are the Chelsea fans really booing Wayne Bridge for not shaking John Terry’s hand?” John Donnelly. “Whatever your stance on John Terry’s behaviour, on what possible set of moral scales does not shaking someone’s hand outweigh cheating on your wife?” The English scales. Besides, they aren’t booing him for that; they would have booed him even if he had kissed Terry on both cheeks. They are booing him because ACTUALLY THEY DON’T KNOW WHY THEY’RE BOOING HIM THEY JUST ARE ALRIGHT DO YOU WANT SOME EH EH?
7 min “Does anyone get the impression that Mancini really doesn’t know his squad all that well?” asks Declan Johnston. “His constant dropping of Stephen Manchester from the line-up and acquiring of Vieira gives the impression that he isn’t entirely familiar with the personnel, or at least didn’t watch them play before taking over…”
I agree completely. And by the time he does know the squad, in the summer, it will probably be someone else’s.
6 min Chelsea are having all of the possession without yet doing anything of note. Tevez is very isolated for City, which I suppose is inevitable when you pick three central midfielders who rarely run in line with the ball, never mind beyond it.
5 min Lampard thwangs miles over the bar from 25 yards.
4 min “I appreciate this is orthogonal to the main points of interest in this game, but is anyone else impressed by City’s away strip?” says David Wall. “Nice 70s-throwback-style, and tactfully small advertising logo. Seems that the guys from Abu Dhabi are not content with usurping Chelsea’s status as the nouveau-riche of the Premier League, but also after the Londoners’ reputation for sartorial elegance.”
Agreed. There are some thing about City that don’t exactly ooze claGARRYCOOKss, but that strip is great.
3 min A lively start from Chelsea, as you’d expect. No real dangerous attacks, though.
2 min The death knell for a once proud country: Bridge gets his first touch and is roundly booed. As he goes to collect the ball for a throw-in, you can easily lipread one charming gentleman calling him a “fucking prick”. I want none of this.
1 min City are in their white away strip. Chelsea kick off from right to left.
12.44pm Bridge doesn’t shake hands with Terry. It was Manchester City who had to walk towards the Chelsea players and Bridge, one of the last, looked Terry up and down, thought about it for a split second – and just kept walking. Hahaha, that was very funny.
A very special email. One so special that it deserves to stand alone “Tomorrow is Sunday that’s the right day for preaching,” says Rob in Dusseldorf. “He [allegedly - imaginary ed.] had an affair with Bridge’s EX-GIRLFRIEND. She may do what she want; if this includes [allegedly - etc] shagging an odious [alleged - etc] nicker of handicapped parking spots, then that’s her choice. If Bridge is cheesed off then tough! As for Terry the only apologies he needs to make are to his wife. I don’t know if you are in a relationship but if you are such an angel I’m sure it owes more to lack of opportunity than to some strong morale backbone. It’s easy to avoid temptation if there is none…”
That’s right, reduce the argument to abusing me because I don’t look like Brad Pitt. Well done Rob! Also, the main story on which society is basing its assumptions about this alleged affair makes it explicitly clear that they were engaged in certain activities while she was in a relationship with Bridge. As already stated earlier. It’s not a David Lynch film, Rob.
Pre-match emails
“Anyone else pining for the days of Mark Stein and David White?” – Niall Mullen.
“What a brilliant game this is already. It’s like being part of a morality play. I just wish Brian Glover was around to play God” – Ian Copestake.
“Mac Millings is some kind of emailing-in wonder. Every one of these MBMs he pops up. Perhaps he should be secured on contract?” – Peter Crosby.
“I can’t believe I got up at 7 in the morning on a Saturday for a bloody handshake” – Aidan Gibson.
“Oh, Rob. Please stop the oh, riff. It’s very oh-nnoying” – Scott W.
“Fine piece on today’s site. Am in foreign. This kind of of elaborate trivialization of human suffering is just what I missed. Well done go to top of the class” – Belette Holt Fente.
“Drew the long straw for this one eh Robbie? I’m off to bed, it’s half past eleven on Saturday night here and I need my beauty sleep, but I want second by second analysis of the handshake that time forgot. Minute by minute just won’t cut it today. How ridiculous is this whole sorry affair eh?” – Sean Boiling.
“About the ‘oh’ complaint. I don’t want to feel mean. You are my favourite MBMer. And I really hope you get your Proper Journalism Award. Maybe it’s a reference to something I don’t get. I feel petty now” – Scott W.
Team news Florent Malouda stays at left-back despite the availability of Paulo Ferreira. Joe Cole starts. Hard to say whether City’s formation will be as below, or 4-4-2 with Johnson wide right and Barry wide left. I suspect the former.
Team Terry (4-1-4-1) Hilario; Ivanovic, Carvalho, Terry, Malouda; Mikel; J Cole, Ballack, Lampard; Anelka; Drogba.
Subs: Turnbull, Paulo Ferreira, Kalou, Sturridge, Matic, Alex, Belletti.
Team Bridge (4-1-4-1) Given; Richards, Kompany, Lescott, Bridge; De Jong; A Johnson, Zabaleta, Barry, Bellamy; Tevez.
Subs: Taylor, Onuoha, Wright-Phillips, Santa Cruz, Sylvinho, Toure, Ibrahim.
Of course, this is how real men settle things. I particularly like the long-haired gentleman trying to stop the egg-white-haired gentleman breathing by smothering him with his breasts.
Putting popular misconceptions to bed department The received wisdom is that Terry did not allegedly do anything with Ms Perroncell while she was still going out with Bridge.
a) So what? They were close friends. Anyone seeking to defend Terry on any grounds wants to be asking Santy Claus for a new moral compass as well as a year’s supply of wasps to chew on come December.
b) This story suggests otheriwse. “The affair the Chelsea star tried to hide from the world began after his pal Bridge left Chelsea for Manchester City last year. Terry kept it under wraps until we caught him sneaking off to her home for secret romps after away games and training. He had already laid the groundwork by flirting heavily with leggy Vanessa while Bridge was still at Chelsea – KISSING and playing FOOTSIE with her under his wife’s nose on team nights out.” That’s right: KISSING and FOOTSIE with LEGGY VANESSA.
“The front page of guardian.co.uk/sport says that Portsmouth are going to be ‘cut to the bone’,” says Mac Millings. “In the circumstances, that seems like an appropriate punishment for John Terry, too.”
Team Terry apparently reckon Bridge is a bottler. How might such a character trait manifest itself, I wonder.
John Terry’s take on it all “”I will offer my hand and be prepared to shake his.” Cheers, John! Good of you to forgive him, John!
From afar, Terry seems like a peculiarly English streak of odiousness; the sort who, despite being guilty of some palpably indefensible behaviour, is able to ignore all logic and manufacture their own grievance so that they can behave like they have been wronged. All very strange. All very English. Whoever was responsible for the despicable attempt to discredit Bridge a couple of days ago, be it Terry or one of Team Homewrecker, needs to talk a good long look in the mirror. Trouble is, they do, many times a day, and they see nothing bad looking back at them. Oh, England.
What I would like to happen I’m not picky, any of these will do.
1) Bridge goes straight to his position at left-back when he comes out of the tunnel, not even bothering to disguise his contempt for the absurd sham that is “The Respect Handshake”.
2) The entire City team refuse to shake Terry’s hand, citing the age-old juvenile excuse that they don’t know where it’s been.
3) Bridge does a Banzai Mr Shake Hands Man number on Terry, holding the handshake for almost four minutes. A confused Terry, who doesn’t know whether he’s being mocked, forgiven or about to appear on This Is Your Life, responds with a headbutt and receives an 84-year ban from football as a result.
Preamble John Terry got us into this mess by eschewing a simple handshake and choosing instead to sate his grubby urges by irrevocably damaging the life of a perfectly decent human being and also a small child; as a consequence we now have the vaguely farcical scenario of a significant football match – Chelsea go four points clear if they win; City go fourth if they draw – being overshadowed by a handshake. A handshake. You know, the thing that is occasionally used to significant a vital political breakthrough, an initiation and the like. Oh, football.
Today in Sport – discuss the day’s big issues
Discuss the day’s big issues, send us your favourite links, follow us on Twitter and take a look at our 2010 sport calendar
9.15am: Good morning and welcome to our daily sports news blog. Throughout the day we’ll update this page with news, links and what’s expected to happen in the hours ahead. Time permitting, we’ll try to wade in below the line, answering your questions and comments.
9.46am: Canada won the women’s ice hockey final over the US and there were gold medals for Germany, Norway and the US overnight. Read our round-up here and why not have a look at our latest gallery from Vancouver. MC
10.01am: Emmanuel Adebayor has been handed a four-match ban after being sent off during the FA Cup fifth-round replay defeat against Stoke, the FA have confirmed. Not excellent timing, it must be said with Roberto Mancini’s team facing a fight to finish fourth in the Premier League. And they travel to Chelsea this weekend… MC
10.25am: Lots coming up today including:
* Portsmouth going into administration very shortly
* Pressers for the weekend’s football – Chelsea and Man City the pick
* Southend v Charlton in League One
* Schalke v Borussia Dortmund in the Bundesliga
* Six Nations: Wales v France at 8pm
* Martin Johnson speaking at 11.45am
* Brian O’Driscoll talking to the media at 2.30pm
* Super League: Hull v Harlequins, Salford v Bradford, St Helens v Wakefield and Wigan v Catalans Dragons
10.50am: Portsmouth have entered administration and there will be a press conference at Fratton Park 3pm. In more depressing news from the world of over-spending football clubs, AFC Bournemouth have been served with a winding-up order. MC
10.52am: Remarkable then to see a club that seems to be well-run in the shape of Arsenal, who made a £35.2m profit in the six months leading up to November 31, 2009, and – even more impressively – slashed their debt by £129m. Does that mean Arsène Wenger will finally start spending some money? Probably not… MC
11.45am: Can we point you in the direction of a quite wonderful story from our man in Vancouver about the near-blind Canadian skier, Brian McKeever, who will become the first Paralympian to compete in the Winter Olympics when he starts in the 50km cross country event. MC
12.50pm: A little something to enjoy during your lunch-break, as the award-nominated Scott Murray and Rob Smyth (yep, both of them) present the Joy of Six: matches that never were. PB
2.10pm: And now back to the depressing stuff. Chester City have been expelled from the Conference with immediate effect after they failed to fulfil their fixtures against Forest Green and Wrexham. PB
2.55pm: Liverpool have confirmed that Martin Skrtel broke a metatarsal during last night’s game against Unirea Urziceni. Portsmouth’s administrator Andrew Andronikou is holding a press conference as I type. PB
3.46pm: Here are David Conn’s thoughts on the debacle at Portsmouth. Conn posits that their financial mismanagement should finally prompt football to look at the way it runs itself. On a lighter note, with the League Cup final coming up on Sunday, Louise Taylor has come up 10 reasons why we should be grateful for this competition as it reaches its fiftieth year. JS
4.05pm: Portsmouth’s administrator Andrew Andronikou has promised to save the club from liquidation. While he admitted he will be reviewing and scrutinising the club’s battered finances, he also claimed he will be looking to take them forward – despite that nine-point deduction. Here’s what he had to say:
“We are looking to immediately address the significant monthly tax burden of the club by implementing a swift cost rationalisation programme.
“Every aspect of the club’s overheads will be reviewed and scrutinised. Our aim is to maximise all revenues and to eradicate all unnecessary costs.
“We have many difficult decisions to make in next few days. I promise you we will save your club and take you forward.”
Pompey fans – is this what you want to hear or does just it just represent more false hope? JS
5.20pm: Time on the blog then. Thanks for all your comments and we’ll leave you with today’s edition of The Fiver. Tune in for MBMs on Team Terry v Team Bridge at 12.45pm, Stoke v Manchester City at 5.30pm and England v Ireland in the Six Nations at 4pm. On Sunday we’ll have live coverage of the League Cup final between Aston Villa and Manchester United at 3pm. Enjoy the rest of your Friday. JS
Sporting Lisbon v Everton – live!
Click the auto-refresh button for the latest action and email simon.burnton@guardian.co.uk with your witticisms. Plus follow all the latest scores in the Europa League
80mins: Pienaar fouls Izmailov and is booked. Lots of shots of upset people wearing, and presumably feeling, blue.
78mins: So now Everton need a goal to send the game into extra time. David Moyes has sat down and is looking glum.
GOAL! Sporting Lisbon 2 Everton 0 (Mendes, 76mins) Oh dear. Djalo cuts in from the right and shoots – insanely – when there are two teammates unmarked just to his right who could scarcely have missed. Anyway, Howard saves, the ball rebounds to the edge of the area where it’s touched to Pedro Mendes. His shot, from 20 yards, is deflected perfectly into the far corner.
75mins: Two good crosses from Everton, the second – from Pienaar – is chested down by Saha but the goalkeeper is out quickly and saves his shot. By some way Everton’s best chance of the game.
74mins: “Everton seem to have an aversion to playing in Europe,” alleges Ian Copestake. “Are they keeping their powder dry for a fourth place spot?” They certainly seem unrecogniseable from the side that deservedly beat Manchester United a few days back.
73mins: Yakubu has indeed come on, for Donovan.
71mins: Liedson flicks Moutinho’s free-kick goalwards but it’s a straightforward save for Howard. Yakubu is about to come on, for Donovan we’re told.
66mins: Half an hour to go, in the lead for barely two minutes and Sporting have already started to wheel out their time-wasting tactics near the corner flag.
GOAL! Sporting Lisbon 1 Everton 0 (Veloso, 64) A very good pass plays in Veloso, who just moved to left-back, and he smashes the ball in at the near post to put his side ahead on away goals. Now it’s Everton who have to score.
63mins: Donovan plays the ball to Saha, his nudge back towards Rodwell is cleared, poorly, to Pienaar who curls the ball just wide from 20 yards – Everton’s first shot of the game, fact fans.
62mins: Rodwell has come on for the frankly rubbish Bilyaletdinov, while Sporting replace Grimi with Saleiro.
61mins: Finally, Sporting have their golden chance – and Howard saves. It’s a lovely cross from Abel on the right, Moutinho ghosts into the penalty area, totally unmarked, and his volley is really well saved. Then a minute later another Abel cross nearly curls into the top corner, and Howard tips it over the bar.
57mins: Sporting have had a tremendous number of corners and free-kicks from deep and wide, but I can’t remember them winning much in the penalty area. Really, Everton have been as comfortable as a team can be while being pretty emphatically outplayed. As I write that, Baines whips in a cross, Donovan volleys it back across goal but there’s nobody there to challenge for the header.
54mins: Everton have barely been out of their half since the break, but still no clear chances for Sporting. Liedson has just steered a ludicrous backheel volley over the bar from 10 yards or so.
52mins: Djalo, who looks about 12 but is actually 23, shoots over the bar from 20 yards and Senderos is going off, to be replaced by Phil Jagielka.
50mins: Senderos has had some magic cream applied to his knee and is back on the pitch.
48mins: Senderos has gone down clutching the back of his knee, after catching his leg on the turf. This might be bad news.
46mins: Peeep! We’re off! Again! “Everton are playing that deep, if they go any deeper they’ll be out the ground,” grumbles Kevin Ratcliffe. We’ll see if that’s changed during the interval, of course…
9.08pm: Colin Murray has spent most of the half-time interval reading out the terms and conditions for Five’s super competition to win a load of great stuff. And now it’s over – the teams are back on the pitch and we’re almost ready for action.
45+2mins: Peeep! Well that’s it for the first half, and the boys in blue head to the dressing-room where they will receive a taste of the Moyes hairdryer, I’d have thought.
45mins: There’ll be two minutes of stoppage time here. It’s not been a good half for Everton, but Sporting have had two just half-chances and a decent free-kick so the visitors retain their 2-1 advantage from the first leg. I’m looking forward to some cavalier attacking as Sporting look to score in the second half.
44mins: Donovan wins a free-kick, Baines plays it in and Sporting run out en masse, leaving three Everton players on their own six yards from goal. Senderos turns the ball in, but he was indeed offside.
42mins: Moutinho is receiving treatment after a clash of heads with Osman. David Moyes will be crossing his fingers that he gives up at half-time, but he’s playing on for now with a bandaged head.
40mins: Bilyaletdinov is having a poor game. And he’s also got a long name that’s annoying to type. Ratcliffe blames it on the fact that he “hasn’t been switched on”.
38mins: It hasn’t lived up to its bright opening, this half. Lots of stoppages, that’s the problem. Everton have had a bit more attacking possession in the last 10 minutes, but haven’t really threatened to do anything with it.
33mins: Donovan wins a corner, then has it taken away again after the referee (correctly, if a little tardily) decides he kicket the ball out of play himself. Manuel Poças, who sounds like he may well be a Benfica fan, says: “Regarding tonight’s attendance, Troy and João fail to mention that Sporting’s ground is almost always half-empty. Unless of course is that year in the decade where they mount a serious title challenge.”
31mins: Sporting are finding it way too easy to keep possession in the space just outside the Everton penalty area. There’s no space actually inside it, but they’re inviting trouble.
30mins: I should explain, for the sake of the bizarrely literal, that when I reported that Bilyaletdinov and Donovan had swapped sides, I meant that they had switched flanks. They are not now playing for Sporting Lisbon.
27mins: Izmailov has a decent double chance, but fails to find the target. “Everton need to liven up,” says co-commentator Kevin Ratcliffe. “A few of them are still in their hotel rooms.”
26mins: Leon Osman has, meanwhile, been told to mark Moutinho out of the game. And Yobo dribbles the ball out of defence and straight into a Sporting player, but gets away with it.
24mins: Bilyaletdinov and Donovan have swapped sides, which in my experience is rarely a good sign.
22mins: More background, from João Ferreira, a Sporting Lisbon season-ticket holder: “Sporting is going through one of the worst periods ever. They haven’t won in 7 games, having been beaten heavily by Benfica, Porto and Braga, among others. Worse, everyone knows that the coach will be leaving at the end of the season and half the team sold. One of the worst seasons ever…”
21mins: Moutinho tries his luck from another free-kick, this one 30something yards out, and Howard saves comfortably.
20mins: Troy Fitrell, who has a job title that I won’t repeat here for fear of being hunted down and repeatedly waterboarded by the security services but is basically enough to have me cowering under my desk in fear, reports: “The fans are all aflutter because Sporting fired their coach mid-season (despite quite good results the last three years), and management struggle amongst club officers and some rich fellows who want to buy their way in, and because the team is performing abysmally this year. Oh yes, and because they jack up the ticket prices for Euro competition.” So that’s us told.
17mins: Moutinho lifts the ball over the wall and against the meat of the bar. Close.
16mins: Senderos gives away a free-kick just outside the penalty area, a location known locally as the Moutinho zone…
13mins: Does anyone know precisely why there are so many empty seats? The commentator referred to a big falling-out between Sporting and their fans, but I can’t say I know the details. It’s really not a good turn-out. Liedson turns and shoots wide from 20 yards.
11mins: Sporting looking quite tidy in the midfield department. Quite a bright, high-tempo start to the game.
5mins: Moutinho plays in Izmailov, who checks inside Yobo and wriggles free for the first chance of the game – and a decent one too. Howard keeps out the resulting low left-foot shot.
3mins: Atletico Madrid have beaten Galatasaray, so there’ll be no welcome to hell for Little Landon and friends after all.
1min: Peeeep! We’re off!
8.06pm: A minute’s silence for the victims of the Madeira flooding so callously referred to below (7.58pm) will precede the game. Oh, it’s over. It lasted about 30 seconds and wasn’t very silent.
8.03pm: … but there’s worse to come for little Landon. “If Everton get through tonight, they are likely to face Galatasaray, famous for their fans’ ‘Welcome to Hell’ banners,” reports Gary Naylor. “Nothing like that happens at Everton – not unless we move to Kirkby anyway.”
8.02pm: “Landon Donovan must be on the verge of pooping himself tonight with excitement and trepidation,” alleges Tyler Vaughn. “Granted, he’s used to playing in 70,000-seat stadiums in the US. So tonight shouldn’t be anything new. Except that those stadiums were empty, and this one will be full of sweaty Iberians lighting flares using hair gel as lighter fluid. Still, at least he’s played at Mexico’s Azteca Stadium, which rivals any atmosphere in Europe and where they throw bags of urine and blood at the players and opposing fans.” Cripes, that sounds scary. But Landon will probably be feeling right at home – the stadium’s actually half-empty.
7.58pm: Given recent events in Madeira, should Phil Neville really be accusing a Portuguese team of flooding their midfield? Just wondering…
7.56pm: Is anyone else seeing the Co-operative Funeralcare ad a lot? Is it just on all the time on all stations, or are they deliberately targeting football fans? And if so, why? Are we doing a lot of dying at the moment?
7.46pm: David Moyes has been interviewed by Five. He wants to score a goal. He doesn’t want to concede any. More exclusive insights as we get them, don’t go away.
7.41pm: And here are your teams! You’ll notice Phil Jagielka on Everton’s bench, with Senderos partnering Yobo in the centre of their injury-hit defence.
Sporting: Rui Patricio, Abel, Daniel Carrico, Tonel, Grimi, Izmailov, Joao Moutinho, Mendes, Veloso, Djalo, Liedson. Subs: Tiago, Anderson Polga, Adrien Silva, Carlos Saleiro, Vukcevic,
Fernandez, Bruno Pereirinha.
Everton: Howard, Neville, Yobo, Senderos, Baines, Osman, Arteta, Pienaar, Bilyaletdinov, Saha, Donovan. Subs: Nash, Jagielka, Gosling, Yakubu, Rodwell, Anichebe, Coleman.
Referee: Alon Yefet (Israel).
How good have Everton been recently? This good, that’s how good they’ve been. Or this good, one might say. This good, even. And how sad have their opponents been? Well, this sad. This sad, some of them, I’d have thought. Perhaps even going on for this sad.
Anyway, enough faffing about on YouTube – let’s play footer!
Or at least talk about it for a while, and then watch some other people play it. Oh yes.
Why not read our match preview?
The following was put here to keep people entertained before I turned up. Feel free to read it, if you like.
In the meantime read Tim Rich’s match preview, outlining David Moyes’s selection conundrum:
David Moyes has admitted it would be a risk to throw Phil Jagielka into action against Sporting Lisbon but added it was something he would not hesitate to do. The centre-half has not played a senior game since tearing his cruciate ligaments last April, six days after his penalty against Manchester United took Everton to the FA Cup final.
Yet with Sylvain Distin suspended after his dismissal in the 2-1 first-leg win, Moyes has a straight choice between Jagielka and Philippe Senderos, who is nursing a back injury, for the return in the Estádio José Alvalade.
“It would be a risk but we have a lot of confidence in the boy,” Moyes said of Jagielka. “Not having had any games would be a problem but sometimes needs must.” Although the odds slightly favour Senderos playing, the Everton captain, Phil Neville, said it would be in Jagielka’s best interests to begin his comeback immediately.
“Sometimes, rather than sitting and worrying about it, you are better being thrown straight back in at the deep end,” he said. “Yes, he will be nervous but adrenaline on a big European night for the club will get him through. He has been training for three or four weeks now and he is that old-fashioned type of player who has probably played with strains and bruises all his life. He is not one of these foreign players who needs to be 110% before they can start a game of football. He will get through it fine.”
Everton (from) Howard, Nash, Turner, Baines, Yobo, Neville, Coleman, Senderos, Jagielka, Duffy, Arteta, Osman, Pienaar, Bilyaletdinov, Gosling, Rodwell, Baxter, Donovan, Yakubu, Anichebe, Vaughan, Saha.
Unirea Urziceni 1-3 Liverpool (1-4 agg)
Preamble:
Unirea have been hostile hosts in Europe this season – beating Sevilla and drawing with Stuttgart and Rangers – so chances are they will muster enough menace to at least stretch Liverpool and perhaps even force Rafa Benitez’s drones to tear off the straitjacket that has made them so boring to watch in recent games (at least). But Ryan Babel and Yossi Benayoun are starting so that’s positive and there is even the prospect of Fernando Torres being unleashed at some point, so there is ample reason to stick with us here. Honest.
If you’re still not sold after that spiel, then bear in mind that there’s also Fulham’s adventure in Shakhtar Donestsk of which to keep track, and I’ll be doing my best to do just that. The classy Ukranians have got to be favourites but there can be no denying that Roy Hodgson has excelled to haul Fulham this far and another surprising feat may not be beyond the Cottagers – in fact, if Rafa were to part company with Liverpool any time soon, Hodgson wouldn’t be the worst choice to succeed him. (It is interesting at this point to ponder who would be the worst choice – Graeme Souness? Howlin’ Mad Murdoch? Darren Ferguson?).
Teams:
Unirea Urziceni: Arlauskis, Maftei, Galamaz, Bruno Fernandes, Bordeanu, Paduretu, Paraschiv, Apostol, Onofras, Bilasco,
Frunza.
Subs: Tudor, Mehmedovic, Rusescu, Nicu, Semedo, Vilana,
Marinescu.
Liverpool: Reina, Carragher, Agger, Skrtel, Insua, Babel,
Gerrard, Lucas, Mascherano, Benayoun, Ngog.
Subs: Cavalieri, Aquilani, Torres, Aurelio, Kyrgiakos, Kuyt, Kelly.
Referee: Stefan Johannesson (Sweden)
5:40pm: “The worst possible replacement for Rafa?” muses Guy Miri. “That would be Sammy Lee.” Meanwhile, here are the line-ups from Ukraine.
Shakhtar Donetsk: Pyatov, Srna, Kucher, Rakitskiy, Rat,
Hubschman, Fernandinho, Ilsinho, Jadson, Willian, Luiz Adriano.
Subs: Tetenko, Lewandowski, Gai, Douglas Costa, Gladkyy,
Kravchenko, Ischenko.
Fulham: Schwarzer, Baird, Hangeland, Hughes, Kelly, Duff,
Murphy, Etuhu, Davies, Gera, Zamora.
Subs: Zuberbuhler, Nevland, Riise, Smalling, Greening, Elm, Marsh-Brown.
Referee: Svein Oddvar Moen (Norway)
5:48pm: Paul Ince has arrived in an ESPN studio hitherto occupied by Ray Stubbs and Clive Allen. “Sorry I’m late,” he says. “The traffic was terrible.” Sort it out, Guv’nor!
5:50pm: Rafa has just been interviewed on TV and disclosed that Glen Johnson will be back in action next week. He said some other things too but I’ve already forgotten them.
5:52pm: TV has cut to commercial. The first one is for a car, which reminds of a question that I would like an answer to. Why do they say the price of the the car in digits rather than a complete number, ie. ONE FIVE NINE NINE NINE rather than fifteen thousand nine hundred and ninety nine pounds? Is it because they’re paying for the ad by-the-second and it’s quicker that way? Or is it because they think the first way makes it sound cheaper?
5:55pm: “As i pondered the worst possible replacement for Rafa,” begins Connor Hurley. “Paul Ince ambled into the studio …”
5:57pm: An early victory for Liverpool as Steve Gerrard wins the toss – is there no end to Captain Marvel’s heroics? “I wonder if ’sorry I’m late, the traffic was terrrible’ was what Paul Ince said to Duncan Ferguson after this exchange?” coughs Mac Millings. Apologising to Duncan Ferguson is always a wise option, I’d suggest.
1 min: The Romanians kick off and instantaly boot the ball into touch.
2 mins: Apostol loftsw a freekick into the Liverpool box from 40 yards, Carragher heads it out of the box, but only as far as Frunza, who sends a reasonable effort spinning over the bar.
4 mins: Fine save by Arlauskis, from a typical Gerrard swirler from 20 yards. It was Lucas, would you believe, who had picked out his captain with a snappy low pass from midfield.
6 mins: Frunzal fires a corner towards Fernandes at the neat post, but the Guinean’s shot is wayward.
8 mins: Galamaz slides in to prevent babel from latching onto to a long ball into the left channel from Insua. On an unrelated note, apparently during last night’s press conference, Romanian journalists were giving Benitez guff about his weight. Could it be that we have found a press pack even more savage than the English one?
10 mins: It is, I regret to inform you, a game being played at a very pedestrian pace. Unirea do try to step things up a bit when they have the ball, but Liverpool have had most possession and seemingly are content to, shall we say, build patiently.
12 mins: Skrtel heads a corner clear at the near post.
13 mins: The word from Donestsk, by the way, is that Fulham are being totally overrun and a home goal looks inevitable …
15 mins: Liverpool have spent the last few minutes knocking the ball around in the Romanian half without threatening to penetrate. The pace is slow and there is seldom many options for the man on the ball. All a bit predictable, then.
17 mins: This is turning into a gruelling test of endurance for spectators …
19 mins: We have action! Onofras crept behind the Liverpool defence to pick up a long ball over the top, but Carragher got back well to stick it behind for a corner.
GOAL! Unirea 1-0 Liverpool (Fernandes 19′) Well that’s spiced things up! It was a simple goal, well taken. Fernandes rose unmarked about 10 yards out to send a powerful header into the net.
20 mins: A pause in play as a Unirea player receives treatment after attacking Babel’s elbow with his jaw. At least that’s one intrepretation, and not one that the ref shares: he’s booked Babel. “I’d love to see ‘Arry Redknapp take charge of Liverpool,” chortles John T. “Just to watch him blow 40 mil to bring back Crouch and Keane.” How about Redknapp’s former assistant at Bournemouth, Tony Pulis? At least that wouldn’t entail a radical change of playing style.
23 mins: Gerrard curls a vicious freekick towards the back post, but the keeper punches it clear. “Ye gods this is grim fare,” wails Phil Sawyer. “I feel like whistling in derision myself, and I’m a Liverpool supporter. Do Benitez’s training sessions simply involve making the players watch lots and lots of videos of Ray Wilkins passing it sideways?”
24 mins: Another freekick for Liverpool, while Unirea only have 10 players on the pitch because Galamaz is injured. Gerrard’s delivery is appalling. “I’ve been disappointed,” mourns Chris Waddle on ESPN. “Liverpool are deserving what they get here.” He’s not wrong, folks.
26 mins: Decent possession play from Liverpool but with 10 Unirea players in front of them at all time they fail to make much inroads, and as soon as they do get near the home box, Ngog commits a dumb foul to gift a freekick to the opposition. That opposition, by the way, have just had to repalce their captain, Galamaz hobbling off to be replaced by Mehmedovic.
29 mins: Onofras booked for bringing down Babel after the winger had skipped past him. I make that the 76000th freekick of this fragmented game.
GOAL! Unirea 1-1 Liverpool (Mascherano 30′) Carragher chugged down the right and sent a deep cross beyond the back post. Gerrard headed it back to Babel, whose reactions were sluggish and allowed Unirea to scramble it out to the edge of the box. Mascherano surged on to it and spanked it into the net!
32 mins: Nice play by Babel there. He totally flummoxed his marker to weave his way into the box, but after his pass Ngog was crowded out. Meanwhile, I’m told that Mark Schwarzer is playing a stormer in Ukraine, where Fulham are clinging on to their first-leg lead.
33 mins: Fernandes booked for barging into the back of Ngog.
35 mins: With a feeble bobbler from 35 yards, gerrard presents the ball to Arlauskis.
37 mins: Onofras’s shot from 20 yards is deflected over by Skrtel. Another corner for Liverpool to defend, then …
37 mins: Again the corner provokes chaos! Ngog missed it at the near post and it bounced across the face of goal before Insua put it behind for another one. This time Reina came to deal with it, punching it well clear.
37 mins: Paduretu shows classy technique to control a 25-yard volley, demanding a decent save from Reina. The keeper looked less clever from the ensuing corner, punching it behind for yet another one.
OH I SAY! Shakhtar 0-1 Fulham (Hangeland 33′)
GOAL! Unirea 1-2 Liverpool (Babel 40′) He’s played well so far and that was a lovely finish from seven yards. He controlled a Gerrard freekick beautifully and then instantly whacked the ball into the net.
43 mins: Frunza wallops the ball over the bar from 20 yards. “Your question as to who’s the worst person to take over the manager’s job at Liverpool is an easy one,” reckons Phil Sawyer. “Step forward, John Barnes. And then after eleven straight losses step back again.”
44 mins: Confusion in the home defence as Fernandes and Arlauskis leave an Insua cross to each other. If there had been a Liverpool player on hand, he would have had an empty goal to aim it. But there wasn’t. “Hello from Dubai!” booms Mike Poole. “I am watching this in the Falkland Islands.” Is that a joke I don’t get? Or is Mike Poole really very confused?
45 mins: In Italy, two former Liverpool players have scored: Riise for Roma, and Djibril Cisse for Panathinaikos, who lead 2-1.
45+1 mins: Freekick to Unirea as Carragher clumsily crashes into Frunza. Paduretu curls it in, Insua heads out and Onofras’s volley from 20 yards dribbles wide.
Half-time: It would take (a) a miracle (b) preposterous bungling or (c) overt corruption for Liverpool not to win this now. “Could it be that the Dubai/Falklands guy is in Dubai on the Falkland Islands in that development of man-made islands resembling the countries of the world?” quizzes Gareth Evans. “I think that’s in Dubai, unsure if there is a Falklands in that development, as from a scale point of view it could be somewhat small.”
“That Mascherano goal …” blurts Nath Jones. “… is the footballing expression of the infinite monkey theorem.”
46 mins: The second half is under way. Hang on to your hats. Oh yes.
47 mins: Great chance for Unirea! Paduretu crossed nicely to Onofras, who headed it back into the danger zone. Apostol arrived at speed to crack it … into the sidenetting from 10 yards!
49 mins: A Gerrard effort trickles wide. “I’d guess that Falklands bloke is convinced that the oil that has supposedly been found down there is going to make them all millionaires,” explains Mark Taylor. “Then they can buy the tea shop.”
52 mins: Unirea players surround the ref to protest agaisnt his decision to give Liverpool a freekick just outside the box for handball. The replay shows the ref was right. The keeper pushes Gerrard’s low drive around the post.
54 mins: Much ado in the Unirea box as they struggle to clear a Benayoun corner. Eventually they scramble it out for another one, but before it can be taken Arlauskis hurtles over to the ref to complain about something or other, and cops a yellow card. “I believe there are plans for British oil companies to fund the building of islands near the Falklands,” baahs Ian Copestake. “They will be in the shape of sheep.”
55 mins: Unirea change: Paraschiv off, Ricardo Gomes on.
GOAL! Unirea 1-3 Liverpool (Gerrard 57′) Benayoun made it with one of his rolling runs into the box. Then he slipped the ball to Gerrard, who slammed it into the net with the aid of a deflection.
59 mins: There is a lull in proceedings. Uefa don’t provide stats, but I make that eight lulls in the match so far.
61 mins: Card-magnet Mascherano attracts another yellow one, inevitably.
62 mins: Liverpool change: Carragher off, Kelly on. Unirea change: Onofras off, Semedo on.
63 mins: Apparently Fulham are well in charge of the game in Ukraine now, which, if true, is extraordinary.
64 mins: Skrtel rolls around in obvious anguish following a full-blooded but fair challenge with Semedo. He’s clutching his knee …
66 mins: Liverpool change: Skrtel off, Kyrgiakos on. It seems it’s the Slovakian’s ankle, rather than his knee, that the problem. “Are Liverpool dominating because they are playing well (like they did in their run last season)
or does it just seem that the opposition isn’t up for it?” asks John Kim. “As a
Liverpool supporter, it’s been painful to watch them this season. The
scoreline gives me hope, but it sounds like they aren’t really lighting the pitch on fire.” They are not quite dominating, but maybe they could if they wanted to, because they are manifestly superior to their enthusiastic but very limited hosts. Liverpool are playing sufficiently.
69 mins: Semedo scurries into the box and slips the ball to Marinescu, whos shot on the turn is blocked by Agger.
70 mins: A spirited death rattle from the Romanians: they’re applying a helter-skelter sort of pressure to the Liverpool goal, insofar as the ball is pinging around the box a bit. Nothing to alarm Reina so far, though.
GOAL! Shakhtar 1-1 Fulham (Jadson 69′) Fulham lead 3-2 on aggregate.
73 mins: Liverpool are simply going through the motions now, aware that their passage to the next round is secure.
75 mins: Boooooring. “Rafa’s replacement?” begins Daniel McSweeney. “For his subtle approach to the reasoned halftime address, surely it’s time to give John Sitton a shot.” And if he doesn’t want the Anfield gig, perhaps we could get him to do an mbm?
78 mins: Liverpool change: Benayoun off, Aurelio on. “You seem to be apologising for the game and suggesting we’ll all leave if it is boring,” notes Robin Hazlehurst. “But we can’t see how bad it looks and are happy to stay with your commentary just for the chat (or craic even), whereas if you describe the game as a real cracker everyone will sod off to the pub to watch it. I’d have thought a boring game is good for you, or at least for your traffic figures.” Exactly. That’s why I haven’t told you that, in reality, this is a thriller and the score is 17-13.
80 mins: Freekick to Unirea because Insua hauled back Semedo. Said freekick is cleared in unremarkable fashion. “I’m happy Liverpool are winning,” reveals Brian Cruickshank. “But let’s not get carried away. This is , erm, Romania not Roma. This trip through the depths of the Europa SHOULD BE a humbling experince that we learn and grow from.” You think Roma would be more daunting? They’re currently losing 3-2 at home to a Djibril Cissse-inspired Panathinaikos …. and 6-4 on aggregate.
82 mins: Liverpool rumble forward with some decent approach play, in which Babel was prominent. His performance has probably been the msot encouraging feature of this evening for Liverpool. The move ended, by the way, with an inaccurate cross from Insua.
85 mins: Gomes crosses from the left. Bilasco meets it from close range, having got the jump on Agger, and Reina makes a good reflex save. Insua gets to the rebound firstr to thwart Paduretu.
87 mins: Lucas has been tidy tonight, and even initiated a couple of attacks. There. Another positive.Not that that’s likely to impress Ian Edgar. “This chap Babel has been awful since we paid stupid money for him,” whines Ian. “His attempts to leave have failed and suddenly he’s having a couple of good games? I wonder when his contract is due for renewal? Sooner he goes the better. At least Riera gives 100% every time.”
90 mins: Babel, as if stung by Ian Edgar harsh verdict, lopes down the right and plays in Gerrard, who bangs off a shot from a tight angle, forcing a rudimentary save from the keeper.
Full-time: After slack defending from a corner lead to them falling behind on the night, Liverpool moved up a gear, slightly, to re-assert their superiority and cruise to victory. The much maligned Babel and Lucas played well, as did Gerrard, and other than that it was an utterly unremarkable event. Fulham, by contrast, are poised to pull off one of the best results in their history … they’re into stoppage time in Ukraine, and still leading the holders. “Just to couner what Ian Edgar said,” chips in Grame Thorn just in time. “I was at the home game last week and Riera started but had no confidence to run with the ball – each time he got the ball, his thought was to pass backwards or sideways. At least when Babel came on he ran with the ball (and set up the goal, no less).”
Full-time in Ukraine: Fulham are through! On the down side, Danny Murphy won’t feature in the next round because he got himself sent off in the last minute. And on that note, goodbye.